Another Year

As we wave away 2008 and prepare to welcome 2009 I have so much in my mind and in my heart. I don't really know where to begin or how much to share as life this year has felt so overwhelming. I feel uncertain about so many things... be it past decisions that at the time seemed to come out of obedience and are yielding results we never imagined we'd have to face or future decisions that we are trying to make wisely.

We left 2007 grieving a little life lost to a miscarriage, facing a scary and unexpected turn of a business venture and praying that 2008 would bring better news. Today we are facing much more uncertainty than we were a year ago and though in many ways 2008 brought much better news and bore blessings we can't even begin to count, it did leave us recovering from quite a few unexpected blows.

I am so thankful for the hand of the Lord that has carried us through thick and thin. He continues to be the only constant in our life with His mercy, steadfastness and love. I definitely pray that 2009 brings awaited resolution and relief of situations, clarity and wisdom for decisions, and maybe even a little respite from all the squeezing and stretching, but if it doesn't at least I know I will always have His grace, His comfort, His shelter, His forgiveness, and His love... I will always have Him, that is all I want to keep in mind.

Welcome one, welcome all

Our house has reached its full temporary potential. The last two guests scheduled for arrival happened to arrive on the same day. My cousin had the tiniest little baby (6.2 lbs) on Sunday at about 2:00 p.m., only 5 hours after his father joined the laboring Mom at the hospital!

All along, from the midwives to all of us were fearing Jorge was coming too early and he'd have to leave before the baby's birth. Talk about God's control over things!

At any rate, here we are, two little babies, two little girls and six adults, all in our house. An American-Guatemalan-Puerto Rican mix!

A few pics.:

Luis André Cintrón
Dec. 28/08
6.2 lbs -- 19"

He is a perfect mix of his parents!

Newest cousins... My little Ben doesn't look that little next to him!

So much going on

Adriana LOVES to "tiss the baby"

My baby boyEnjoying the snow after the play, even when it was about 9:00 p.m.

All Adriana would do: jump into a mound of snow.

I´m afraid there is just so much activity going on I haven´t caught a breath long enough to sit and write properly. There has been a lot on my mind but it hasn´t made it to this blog because I am still adjusting to life with three little ones and a full house for the Holidays. So I´ll just let some pictures fill in while my mind (and life!) are more in order!

Survived!

We survived! The blackout, storm, whatever you want to call it. It was quite the adventure to spend one night "power-less" at home (well, two if you count Thursday night, when the power went out). Saturday morning we had been invited to breakfast to our friends' who did have power and heat (and cook) with propane. So we opened our eyes, rolled out of bed, grabbed our toothbrushes and packed up the car to go over. Let me just say, we got there for breakfast and were quickly talked into staying for a few hours while the men tried to lug generators and the such. A few hours turned into spending the night!

We were very graciously hosted, the five members of my little family plus my mom, plus my cousin, plus my cousin's mom who happened to arrive in town that very same day!

I learned so much about community as so many did so much for each other. From men who showed up to our property to cut damaged trees, to couples out in the city who'd call and offer to bring whatever was needed, to friends showing up for showers at friends' homes, people crashing at other people's homes. In the midst of such complicated times, we were all there for each other, how wonderful.

Sunday morning services were carried with no sound equipment, all bundled up with an extra layer or two, and a few empty chairs. That same morning, trucks came in from some obscure place in Michigan and I mean A LOT of trucks and some amazing people gave up their Sunday morning to come be our heroes and restore our power.

The landscape was breathtaking, the company so much fun, the lessons invaluable, the weekend was unforgettable!!!

Lovely

Little Ben´s Birth (I apologize... it is really long)

The 40th week of my pregnancy I began having the usual "bouts" of contractions heralding my baby´s arrival. However I had determined not to pay attention to them and so I did. Except for Ben, whom I told occasionally about them, nobody knew and I managed to ignore even the painful ones. If there were any contractions too hard to ignore, I´d try to practice relaxing and reminding myself that my body was just getting ready to give "passage" to this new life so I could hold and admire it.

Sunday morning as we were getting ready for church I actually considered the possibility that we might not make it to church but we did and still the remainder of the day went on.

Monday at 4:00 a.m. a strong contraction woke me up. Still determined to keep with my plan, I went back to sleep. The next contraction woke me up, I looked at the clock: 4:06, back to sleep again and back up with the next. I went back to sleep again, and again and by about 4.45 recognized a pattern but still decided to keep resting. When by 5:00 things hadn´t changed I woke Ben up and invited him to join me in the living room to see where things were heading.

Once downstairs I had some juice and we sat to watch "Dinner Impossible" and when the show was over and nothing had stopped we decided to watch another taped show (we couldn´t think of anything else to do at that point!). "Chuck" was on and I can´t really tell you much about it because contractions were beginning to get more intense. We finished watching the show (upon my request, I didn´t want to get to the hospital sooner than necessary) and then I called the midwife. She was very kind and attentive to my wishes to not go in too soon, but dropping the phone during a contraction was probably sign enough that I at least needed to begin getting ready to leave. She told Ben this when he picked up the phone and we agreed that we´d be leaving in about an hour.

By then it was already 6.45 (give or take) so we went upstairs, woke the girls up and explained we were heading to the hospital because our baby was coming. Maria came over to help get them ready and then bring them to the hospital with my cousin, Susi.

We left with both Moms in Mom L´s car. I asked Ben to take his time and so we did. Contractions were steady and strong but I still was in no hurry. I had chosen to remain calm and at least in this first few hours I could still handle to do it.

On our way to the hospital we realized that our birth plan (which we decided to write this time due to the change in practitioners and hospital) had been left in our van. We called Susi and asked her to bring it in right away upon their arrival to the hospital. They arrived a while after we did and, to my surprise, not only Susi came in with the papers, but they allowed them all to come in. I can´t tell you what a happy moment it was to see my girls right there. I must say it was a blessing to know them so close to me and so well taken care of. Just the thought of being able to see them at any point brought so much peace and joy to my heart. After Elena´s quick question of "Why aren´t you in the bed, Mami?" and a few blown kisses they were taken out to the waiting area and I continued my labor.

Rebbeca, our midwife, was great. She honored (and defended) my every wish. Since my Strep B screening came back negative, I declined the IV. In spite of being in the hospital, not one single nurse or resident checked me and though some monitoring was required, it was almost a joke because I kept moving to my comfort and I ultimately took it off.

The room with the tub was already taken, so I didn´t have the tub to labor in. Also, the hospital was so busy that day I literally caught the last available LD&R room, which also happened to have the shower head broken! But it was still functional and I wasn´t going to lose my focus over circumstantial things, so I chose to ignore those details and stick to my plan. We talked and laughed in between contractions and during contractions I´d "get to work". My natural reaction to contractions is to squat, so I´d squat and try to focus my thoughts and my strength in "letting my body do the work".

Never once did I allow myself to complain about the pain but instead I´d force myself to try and focus on my womb and the work it was doing in bringing my baby out. I tried to "think open" and, in Ina May Gaskin´s words, tried to visualize my contractions as energy waves or rushes bringing my baby closer to me; visualize my baby slowly and smoothly descending; and make sure my jaw and throat were relaxed.

By about 9.30 I got out of the shower and let Rebbeca check me. I was 8+ cm and my waters were leaking. Now, I wanted to wait for them to break spontaneously but, what can I say, I "cheated" and let her finish breaking them. In the end, this proved to be a good idea because we could see there was meconium in the waters and that gave me some time to prepare for the cord to be cut much sooner than I had wanted and the neonatologist to whisk my baby off to make sure there would be no aspiration.

Upon breaking the waters, of course the baby´s descent began and contractions were even stronger. I was amazed at being able to recognize that the baby´s head was coming down and at the risk of appearing like a lunatic (I´m sure I did look like a lunatic in hindsight, but hey, a girl´s gotta do what a girl´s gotta do!), I´ll confess I did tell the baby "I love you, baby, come down, come down" in the midst of contractions, while squatting on the bed and holding on to the bar.

The rest periods in between contractions were truly that for I felt so content and relaxed that I knew I could very well snooze. Therefore, I decided to stay in the bed so I could lay back, stretch my legs and almost go to sleep, if not for the company and conversation that were so enjoyable. I had never felt the "urge to push" and informed my midwife that I really wanted to get to that point this time.

As I said earlier, my natural reaction to contractions is to squat, so Rebbeca suggested rolling over my left side during the following contraction just to see if a change in position would change anything. Well, it did... in that same contraction I let them know as calmly as I could: "ok, I´m going to push now." The statement was followed by the infamous "ring of fire" and while I thought I had just pushed the head out, I tried to lift my head to see and instead of a head I saw a baby on the bed! After a few seconds I did have to ask: "What did we have?!" though my husband´s joyful tears and indescribable expresion led me to think we´ve had a boy! After a quick clean up, the girls came in to meet their little brother. None of us could possibly imagine life without him now!

Pensamientos sobre el trabajo de parto

Como todos los que se mantienen al tanto de mi vida sabrán, durante este embarazo leí, y leí, y leí todo lo que pude respecto al trabajo de parto. Estaba determinada a hacer todo lo que estuviera en mi poder para hacerlo lo más placentero posible. A lo largo de mi lectura constantemente me intrigó leer de todas las mujeres que confían en todo tipo de cosas que reconocen como poderosas en sus propias vidas y salen de sus experiencias de parto con un nuevo sentido de fuerza y felices. Mi pregunta era, ¿por qué ellas, con conocimiento humano y fallido tienen experiencias de parto tan positivas y nosotras, con la sabiduría infinita de nuestro Padre y el poder del Espíritu Santo de nuestra parte no las tenemos?

Quisiera poder decir que encontré "la respuesta" a esta cuestionante. No fue así, al menos no encontré la fórmula mágica que toda mujer en el mundo puede aplicar. Pero sí encontré una respuesta para mí. Nunca sugeriría que toda mujer debiera hacer las cosas de tal o cual forma. Creo firmemente que Dios nos hizo únicas y en esa individualidad debemos encontrar lo que Él espera de nosotras para hacer que las situaciones nos beneficien al máximo, no solamente al momento de dar a luz sino en todo aspecto de la vida. Después de todo, si Él hubiera querido que todas fuéramos iguales, nos habría hecho idénticas para empezar.

Esto fue lo que concluí:

Lo primero que encontré en común en todo lo que leí fue una actitud positiva, dadivosa y amorosa durante el trabajo de parto. Ese mensaje era contrario a todo lo que había escuchado antes y tenía perfecto sentido... después de todo, es un principio Bíblico, hay mucha más bendición en dar que en recibir.

Lo segundo fue relacionado a cómo lidiar con las contracciones. A mí nunca se me había ocurrido pensar en ellas como una fuente de fuerza que me estaba acercando a mi bebé. Siempre las consideré un dolor del que me quería deshacer y que sólo estaba sufriéndolo mientras venía el bebé.

Lo tercero fue en cuanto a enfoque, en no enfocarme en cuánto tiempo llevo, cuánto tiempo me falta, cuántas contracciones más, sino en tomar cada contracción como un sólo minuto de mi vida que y cuando ya pasó sencillamente disfrutar el período de descanso sin anticipar ni preocuparme por la próxima ola de dolor.

Así que me armé con una lista de todos los himnos y cantos de alabanza que le comunicaran fuerza, rendición y entrega a mi espíritu y me acostaba a dormir todas las noches con esa música de fondo durante las últimas semanas. Me propuse no ponerle atención a las contracciones hasta no saber que eran consistentes, intensas y regulares por lo menos por una hora. Finalmente, aunque no necesariamente ansiaba enfrentar el proceso, también me propuse acoger el trabajo de parto y trabajar con él tanto como me fuera posible.

Esos son algunos de mis pensamientos y fueron los pensamientos con que llegué al trabajo de parto. La historia del parto en sí, para quienes estén interesados, vendrá más adelante.

About Birth

As it is well known by all who keep up with my little life, I read, and read, and read everything I could during this pregnancy. I was determined to do everything in my power to make it as pleasant as could be. Through my reading I was constantly puzzled by all those women who rely on all kinds of things they recognize as powerful in their lives and came out of their birthing experiences empowered and happy. Why would they, with human and failing knowledge, have such good birthing experiences and we, with the infinite wisdom of our Father and the power of the Holy Spirit to tap into, don't?

I wish I could say I found "the answer" to this. I didn't, not the one-fits-all answer anyway. I did find an answer for myself though. I would never suggest that everyone should do things this or that way. I believe that in our God given uniqueness we must find what God expects from us to make situations work for the best, not only in labor and delivery but in every aspect of life. After all, if He'd wanted for us all to be the same, He would have made us the same to begin with.

Having said that, this were my findings:

The first common thread I found in all the reading I did was a positive, giving and loving attitude during labor. That message was contrary to all that I've heard before, and it made sense... after all, it is a Biblical principle, there is much more blessing in giving than receiving.

The second thing was in the terms of how to treat the contractions. I never thought of thinking about them as a sort of strength that was bringing my baby closer. I always thought of them as this pain I wanted to get rid of and was just suffering through.

The third thing was still in terms of focus. Not to focus on how much longer, how much time, how many contractions, but to take each contraction as one single minute of my life that was over when it was over and then simply enjoy the period of rest not even anticipating the next wave of pain.

So, I armed myself with a list of all the hymns and worship songs that spoke surrender, and strength to my spirit and I went to bed to those songs every night for the last few weeks. I purposed myself not to pay attention to the contractions until they had been consistent, intense and regular for at least one hour. Finally, even though I wasn´t necessarily looking forward to the whole process, I also purposed myself to embrace it and work with it as much as I could.

Those are some of my thoughts and were the thoughts that took me into labor. The birth story itself, for those interested, will come in a future post.