Slipping Away

On my way to a lunch date with my very own Pastor Ben, I got a call from my mother.

"Call me when your date is over... Would you?"  (She didn't sound so well)

"What's going on?  Is everything ok?"

"Just call me after your date."

"Why?"

"I don't want to ruin your date"  (as if I would be able to get it off my mind after that!)

"You already did, just tell me now."

"Well... it's Mamita Zoila (she didn't really give in that easily, my Mom... it took more convincing but, you get the picture).  She is not doing well...  you need to be prepared for "the" phone call,  it maybe sooner than we all anticipated"

Mamita Zoila is my Dad's mom.  My grandmother. She is 97 (?) years-old, though if you asked her she'd tell you she is 1,500.  She has enjoyed of impecable health but her body and mind have been deteriorating with time.  We have had a few scares here and there, but she always pulls through.  This, my mom says, is the first time the Doctor officially states it to be "the beginning of the end".  Of course, God alone is sovereign to know the exact time of when a life begins or the moment that it ends.  They can not tell how long she could be in this last pull.

"Her mind is fading away... Some times she recognizes us, some times she doesn't.  She says see's a door and a white path...  She wants someone to take her towards the path...  She wants to go through the door... 'Just push me in through the window' she told your aunt the other day"

I hear my mom's words... think a thousand thoughts... out the corner of my eye I see fields, cars, buildings rolling by... my mind whirls with countless more thoughts... I don't have a passport... we can't afford tickets right now...  Little Ben doesn't have a passport... Elena's passport expires in January...  Can we even afford two passports right now?  Could we even buy one ticket?

"She is not sleeping well...  She hardly eats anything...  She cries, sometimes screams...  They can't give her anything to help her sleep... it's like sometimes she is ready and some others her soul is in turmoil... she is beginning to ask to see everyone... they think this is goodbye"

"She's lost... her soul is lost... someone needs to get her to that path... someone needs to take her heart's hand and guide her to that door... I need to help her spirit through...  How, dear God, how?

"I just wanted you to know... to be prepared, however you need to be... there is no telling how long..."

We got off the phone and all these thoughts were swirling in my mind.  When will God take her?  There is no telling.  No one knows.  Oh, how I wish I could just transfer us all there and be of help.  Help my aunts take care of her.  Read the stories hidden within the many folds of her wrinkles and appease her soul with a prayer... hold her hand and whisper Truths of God's love for her soul into her ear... If I only weren't so far away!!! 

Oh to be by her bedside! ...to hold her weak frame and look into the windows of her soul, those little eyes of hers that have seen history happen... she may not remember me, but I know her.  She may not notice me, but she could feel HIM...  she may not recognize me but she could definitely feel His love, her soul could recognize it... her heart could hear the voice of her Maker.  oh, to hold her little hand and whisper prayers to her heart... to soothe her like she did her babes in times past...

Please, know she is well taken care of, she is loved and in the best hands she could be.  His hands first, those of her daughters next, but she is slipping away and I am not there...  and while we both breathe, so far from each other I am reminded by the still voice in my heart that He is still in control.  My loving Father has us all in His hands, His love is perfect, His mercies everlasting and His will is sovereign... nothing escapes Him.  I am where He wants me to be, she is where He wants her to be and it should all be well...

it must...

it will...

Birthdays and thanks!

So much to be thankful for on this day!  So much that I want to say about my little sweet, sweet boy who just turned 1.  ONE!!!  Can you believe it?  I certainly can't!  As it is, I haven't been able to sit for 5 mins straight here today... something with being the only adult in the house for a couple hours... Derek, Heidi and Ben are out running a race this morning, so here I am holding the front.  (Can you tell how good I'm doing already?)  So a few things await me to be acomplished before the runners get home.

Maybe later, if I'm not in a turkey induced coma, I'll be able to sit and write to my heart's delight!

Until then, enjoy your day!

Spanish

The time has come for me to finally confess that I have been a total failure at speaking Spanish to my children.  There, I said it. 

Honestly, I never expected life to be so complex in that area.  I grew up speaking Spanish.  At about age 6 I was magically introduced into a bilingual world without really having a clue that it was happening.  All of a sudden, all things had two names:  the old, regular name I learned at home and the new name the teachers at school were telling me.  As a good first born, I set my heart out to pleasing my teachers and obediently called things by the name they told me.  I resolved that as long as I compartmentalized school language at school and home language at home, everybody would be happy.  (My little brother came home after his first day of school telling my mom his teachers didn't know what they were talking about... "They were calling "amarillo" yellow!!!").  English slowly became a huge part of my life and I never really stopped studying it.  I've taught it, I've diagrammed it, I've translated and interpreted it into Spanish and I eventually married it.

Learning to live in English was interesting.  All along I had been very fluent in all office, commercial, legal and even Christian lingo, however menial things of everyday life were beyond me.  How do I tell the hair stylist how I want my hair cut?  How do I explain the hem on a dress? (Please picture these thoughts in Spanish...I'm writing them in English for your benefit)  What's the difference between a porch and a deck?  a cellar and an attic? (actually, I may still not quite know those).

On the glorious day that, after 8 hrs stuck on 8 cm dilation, my sweet little girl made her entrance into this world, they put her in my arms. I looked at her and for a few seconds before I greeted her, I hesitated... What do I speak to her in?  (Only for a couple seconds, mind you!)  My first words to her were uttered in Spanish.  That settled it, mothering came to me naturally in Spanish.  I talked to her in Spanish ALL.THE.TIME.

All the time, that is, until she could utter her own responses back.  That was the end of me!  Since then, I diligently begin the day like this (I kid you not, this is really an every day routine!).  "¡Niñas!!! ¡Vengan a lavarse los dientes!"  To which they properly respond:  "ok, Mommy!"  and as they march into the bathroom and the official exchange of information begins I don´t even realize when we switch it back to English. 

Sometimes I manage to hold out a little longer:  "¿Listas?  Busquen sus tazas antes de bajar, por favor"  to which they respond  "We already brushed our teeth, Mama!"  So, with a baby in arms I try gestures... "No.... no los dientes... la taza... de leche... anoche? lechita? -sigh- milk... cups, the milk cups, please find the milk cups" 

The next course of action... I will probably have to say things twice anyway, why not make one of those times in Spanish... but then twice inevitably turns to thrice and time is of the essence (or at least I feel that way at that particular time), the phone rings, I lose my train of thought and... you get the picture.

It should be so simple... right?  It is my language, after all... alas it´s still eluding me and now I am panicking that my children won´t learn Spanish.  Can you say pathetic?  So there, my next attempt will be over a pre-school book in Spanish... wish me luck!

Just about when did this transformation happen??

Quiet...

I know...   My mind has been engaged otherwise lately.  There are lots of things to ponder and process and silence is a good aid for that.  Nothing is wrong, nothing is bad, it is just one of those seasons where you really need to quiet your heart, take a good look and evaluate... call it a Fall cleaning of the soul, if you may.

All that being said, hubby went away to a conference for a bit over 24 hrs.  I missed him horribly, I know, pathetic?  What can I say?  I miss him for the few hours he goes to the office every day!  I don´t like being away from him and I miss him when he´s gone, even if it is only for a few hours.  At any rate, we went out yesterday on a "date" of sorts... as a family.  Although we value the scarce times we can get away by ourselves, we do realize that those times are scarce indeed, so we´re trying to learn to really see each other through the chaos and craziness of life with little people.  By far, easier said than done, but not at all impossible.

Our drive opened up conversations that led to discovery of things unknown about each other... go figure!  We still have things we don´t know about each other!  That led to a wonderful conversation and reacquainting ourselves with each other.  I feel like we fell in love afresh and I can´t even say that we had fallen out of love to begin with.  It was spontaneous, interrupted ("Daddy, Elena took my doll", "Mommy, I´m thirsty!", "Mommy, blow on my pizza, it´s too hot!", "Daddy, want to play tic-tac-toe with me?" you get the picture), and very simple, yet it led to the sharing of each other´s heart and what other treasure do we have to share?  It was an amazing time... hard to pull through but worth every minute of it!