"Elenisms"

*"Mami, I wan appe pie" (apple pie) I am puzzled, we haven´t even seen apple pies since the Holidays... upon further inquiry I realize she meant PINEAPPLE!

*"Mami, You are mawwid... What is Papi?" (There has been a lot of talk about being married lately, I guess she is processing the whole thing)

*"Mami, we have to go see Abby, I have to pay her (play with her). Mami, Abby is my cousin, Bannon is my cousin, Sophie is my cousin, Aunt Dee is my cousin!!!"

Empty wall

Today was "kitchen day" so to speak. I began cleaning the kitchen and the floor alone takes me so long that it always takes a bit longer than I´d hope. Especially if you add the dusting and cleaning accumulated for a few weeks. Well, it is still far from perfect but one thing remains, my empty wall. For the longest time I've wanted to put a nice picture on this wall and can't find one. I saw the perfect one in the market in Guatemala, but couldn't bring myself to even ask the price... I don't know why buying such things myself is always so hard for me. Come to think of it, all the pictures displayed in my home (I totally love each and every one) have been gifts. Why can't I buy something pretty for my home? The picture I saw in Guatemala was actually a painting of a marketplace scene seen from above, it was colorful and perfect in theme for a kitchen... oh well, maybe some day I'll let myself justify such expense.

Being Home...

First of all, for those of you who didn't understand the whole "leaving my residence" thing on my previous post, my apologies. What happened is that I forgot my green card here at home and found out upon trying to leave the US. For some reason, even though I really need it to come back into the States and not to enter my own country, they didn't want to let me board. It was a bit of a hassle to say the least and it wasn't fun to wait for it in the mail but we did get it on time for me to get back in the US without any problem.

As usual we hit the ground running. We had winter camp beginning on Thursday night. Needless to say, we are as tired as we were when we got in, unpacking hasn't really formally happened and this house looks like a bigger mess as we have been touching and going these past couple days. Oh well, I certainly hope to figure out some kind of strategy this week and get some kind of normalcy within a week or so... I am really getting tired of this mess.

Well, I certainly had a lot to say but alas I just sat here and have a little girl crying for my attention. I'll have to go...

Getting home

This is the continuation of my previous entry. Once again, pardon the length, I just needed to help myself process and this proves to be a much faster way.

The wait at the gate is followed by the boarding of the plane. Adriana quickly falls asleep and Elena settles in her seat very excited that we are flying again. I look out the window as we taxi our way to taking off, tears streaming down my face as I look at all the things I didn't get to see because of being sick. I already miss this place. I know it isn't the safest but it is mine. I know the buildings, the streets, the people... There is at least one memory attached in any direction I look!

Elena talks to me and as I turn to look at her, unable to hide my tears, she looks at me puzzled. She is so excited to come home and though I am excited to come home I am also sad. I guess she can't really understand feeling both emotions at the same time, at least not yet. As we take off a tear is shed for every sight as it recalls one of the many memories from this trip or from my life.

Once again, I am quickly called back to composure by the needs of my sweet little girls. That is part of this calling, my needs are pushed to the bottom drawer. I get to process them in times like this, hours and hours later.

The plane in and of itself proves tough. After having been sick and congested, it is getting really uncomfortable for us girls, and even Ben ends up with a headache through the whole thing. After landing, going through immigration is, for the first time, very easy. No quizzical looks by the immigration officer assuming that because I am Hispanic something has to be wrong with my documents. The officer is quite warm and nice and lets us through even with a chuckle as he says good bye to Elena who keeps repeating "Thank you, bye" from her stroller. This is a very welcomed relief, especially because (most of you may not know this) I forgot my residence at home and it was quite a hassle trying to get on the planes down to Guatemala. We got it mailed down but it took longer to arrive than we expected so we were a bit nervous about my return. So having a nice officer who is not trying to make things harder was nice and relieving.

As we got ready to land in La Guardia, I kept looking out the window. Maybe in some desperate attempt to recognize something to make me feel I am coming home. It is hard though. We are arriving at night time and we hardly ever land in the same place. Once again, the Mommy hat needs to be put on and the plan for the remainder of the trip is mapped out. Stop for diaper changes immediately, pull out sweaters from the carry ons, prepare little girls for a long drive, get our baggage, and so the list begins. It is shortly past midnight and we still have a 3 hr plus drive ahead.

It is nice to see Jody at the airport. We go find our bags and, of course, one didn't make it. Off to the airline's baggage office to open a claim. To my surprise it is rather quick, maybe it's because of the time, the attendant must be in a hurry to finish up and go home. Funny as it may be, that one bag makes the difference and its absence provides for just the right amount of space needed for the drive home. We have suitcases up to our elbows but we still have enough room to sit comfortably.

We pull up our driveway. It is about 4 a.m. We open the door and this place feels so strange... It is home but it looks and feels different. We pleasantly find a bathroom with new floor, a new toilet and a new sink in the process of being installed. How nice it looks. Little girls run to turn on each and every toy they rediscover. I feel for our neighbors who have to be woken up inevitably by this noise. A cup of juice, phone messages checked and little by little it is feeling like home again. We then go upstairs, little girls jump to their own little beds but still want to sleep with us and at this point we don't mind. We all get to bed at 4.30, purposely we don't set any alarms on, we'll let our bodies tell us when to wake up.

Ben wakes up first and starts trying to bring some suitcases up and to begin life. At the mention of Abby, Elena jumps off the bed. See, her first thing she has wanted to do for the past 3 to four days is see Abby. Ben takes her over for a visit and very slowly life begins here in this little home. I feel somewhat numb... I don't want to unpack because I know that that means that I have to face my feelings that have been bottling up since this leg of the journey began, sometime yesterday. So the bags sit there, I open them only to get out the absolute necessary things. The day is slow and though I feel so sad and miss Guate so much I am happy to be home. Now to pick up where we left. Discipline needs to be revisited with little girls. Routine needs to be established again. With this post I finish my mourning process and look ahead... there is a winter camp to prepare for, unpacking and settling at home as we also look ahead to a very possible downsizing.

At the same time I will begin my process of "marrying" the old and the new. God led us this way, He provides for the adjustments that need to happen, we only need to settle, listen and let Him be our all. Slowly I let go of my fears of final good byes and give in to the trust in an ever loving Father. True, the day will come when a final good bye will be said, but I need not rush in finding comfort for that as there isn't grace for that today. It is not happening, I don't need the grace for it. If and when it happens He will be readily available to comfort and strengthen as He is now and as He always is.

Emotional times like these are good in reminding me that although I need to blend in, I also need to keep my culture alive and pass it on to my daughters. I get the load as I process but later clarity will come and ideas to incorporate that world into our lives will come too. I must not forget that, after all, we are a bi-cultural home and we need to celebrate and embrace it. I don't necessarily know what it needs to look like, but I trust that it will come to us as we live. Thanks for bearing with me and for all your words of encouragement and comfort. I am happy to come home to loving people who give me room to be the odd ball I am! Thank you and I love you all, you are very dear friends... you make this foreign land home.

The Farewell...

This is a very long post. I apologize but I really wanted to pour my heart out and typing it proves to be quicker than journaling it by hand. Please bear with me and carry us in prayer if you may, these are my pearls.

Tuesday, Feb. 19/08
I wake up shortly before Josue comes in to say good bye. As my mind awakens the thoughts of the day ahead begin a whirlwind in my mind. As I try to order my thoughts, Josue comes in. Teary eyed he bends over my short bed to say good bye. We hug, shortly but tightly, exchange quick "I love yous" and keep the rest bottled in our hearts. Josue, he is his own man now and walks through life trying to figure it out. He is so full of dreams. I pray he realizes the greatness God has deposited in him sooner than later and manages to find strategies to fulfill his God given dreams. We always laugh with (and at) him... I hope he knows how much of a joy he is. In honor of his personality, he wears his emotions on his sleeves, so this will be a hard good bye. We don't want to let it all out... you know, he is heading for work and doesn't need tears to distract him. I don't want to start crying... not yet. Off he goes as if we will just reconnect at the end of the day and we each suffer the pain of the separation quietly in our hearts.

I get up and continue the task of gathering our belongings from every room in the house. The pit in my stomach increasingly grows. Little girls are whisked outside for a few last moments of play with "Pita" and "Pito" and to release me to finish packing properly. As I said before, this just doesn't get easier no matter how many times you do it.

Mamita is the next good bye, she tries to talk her way through the tears. Maybe if she talks enough she can keep the tears from flowing. She hugs us, blesses us, kisses us and then hugs us some more. I try walking her home but she manages to escape, I don't think she wants me to see her cry. She has always been so strong I don't think she knows how to be vulnerable around others. But I know her... I know the sweetness and tenderness in her heart. So I respect her desire for privacy and as I see her go and explain to Elena why she doesn't have a car (Elena is quite puzzled to see her walk away), I watch her and pray. I see her tired body swaying from side to side as she walks. She is slow but steady, up right thanks to the back brace that has helped her through the years. I pray, "Lord, please don't let this be the last good bye..."

The car gets loaded up with suitcases full of old stuff, new stuff, fun stuff, needed stuff, and as I do a "stupid check" (we learned this phrase from our dear family, the other Levenduskys) to try and spot forgotten items I realize my heart is just as full. My heart is full with the memories made as my little ones interacted with the world I left behind. It is not a country, it is not a family, it is a world, it is a life I left and it never ceases to amaze and surprise me how the intertwining of the new and the old lives can be so joyful and painful at the same time.

The next good byes are Jonathan and my dad. Jonathan, we could have never done all we did this trip without all of his work. My little brothers are now men! I can't get over it. He is the "go getter", so full of plans and ideas. I pray for the Lord's blessing and guidance in his endeavors. I can't stop the tears from coming now. We hug, tightly and then we hug again. I try to think of all the things I need to thank them for and may have forgotten to tell him. It's no use, I don't remember everything, tears are betraying us both and in the end, he does know, so we leave it there.

My dad is quick to let go, I think he might be afraid that a too tight hug may squeeze the tears out of him. I don't think he likes good byes or tears for that matter. I pray for God's healing in his life, more than his hearing, his heart. I know God provides for his every need, He is faithful like that, His help is readily available and He will surely make up for what he loses in his silent world. I release my Dad in my Father's care, his health, his heart, his emotions... I can't do anything else for him, but where I can't reach God can meet him so I rest in the reminder of His everlasting promise.

We get in the car and as soon as we leave the street I put my hand in my Mom's arm. She is already crying, so am I. "I can't stop crying. I don't want to but I can't stop", she says. "Maybe we don't need to stop" I reply. I don't know why we fight tears so much, we just do. I try to help us both find solace in knowing that God does have a purpose for this because He is not cruel but He is good. Most of the drive we cry... as we stop at the curb in the airport and bags get unloaded into a cart, the tears become completely inevitable. We hug once and again and can hardly talk through the tears, the "I love yous" and all the "please take care of yourself", "let's pray that God will provide for you to visit soon", etc.

My tears are quickly forced to a halt as we reach the ticket counter and composure is immediately needed in trying to check us all in, fill out immigration forms, go past security check points, etc. At the gate I get a minute to sit down and the immediate needs of little girls take my mind away from it all.

Wrapping Up

And so it is that the time to say goodby is looming ahead... it never fails. Little girls are very ready to go home, as the talk of home, missed cousins and friends and missed toys keeps increasing by the hour. We long for the comforts of our little home and at the same time we don't want to leave. Yes, the warm weather is quite tempting but it is always more than that. There are the uncles who don't want to keep missing out on the little girls' growing up. There are grandparents who don't want to see them go either. There are plenty of extended relatives who have been spending every waking hour around us in the hopes of impressing their memory in my girls' hearts. Then there is the fear of leaving elderly grandmothers knowing this could very well be the last goodby. The sadness of leaving a mom and dad who could very well use our help around here as age bills them for living, as well as that of leaving two dear brothers who are now their own men and I miss out on their lives. There is the childhood best friend with whom we just never have enough time to catch up and just "be". It doesn't matter how much time goes by or how many times we do this... it is never easier. The goodby is always as dreaded as the last one and some are even left unsaid just because they're so unpleasant.

On the other hand, there is the calling and the life we have at home... there is the knowledge of how much joy it bring to our Father that we are obeying the call and seeking His will. He is good, and He knew our life would look this way. In that knowledge I cling to His promise of providing for my every need, I cling to the knowledge of His sovereignty, I cling to His love and His grace. I can't imagine living like this without Him in my life...

A few random pictures

A little girl on a boat ride

The "Island of the Flowers" How pretty!!!

A local fisherman

Another little girl on a boat ride.

The boat went so fast and the wind was so strong Adriana kept looking over my

shoulder while Elena chose to cover herself with a towel... cute little girls!

Our comfy rental

A scarcity of pillows led to creativity...

stuffed animals make good pillows for long car rides!
...and of course, the other one slept too

Another pretty orchid
making yet another long car ride a bit fun

Picking up

This is our little family in Tikal

And this is the majestic temple behind us...

This is a very young "Ceiba", the National tree. It grows wider and full of heavy foliage. Adriana and I are standing at one of the roots, imagine how tall and wide it grows!

And this is the upper part of the tree

Well, if you read my Ben's post you probably got a chance to see much more pictures than I have been able to post. Make sure to check it out.

I am feeling a bit better today... still a bit sick but functional and finally the headache is gone which makes life much easier.

Now about Tikal. Tikal was sure a sight to see... so majestic, imposing... amazing! A silent witness to so many stories. Walking through that vast quiet it is so hard not to try to imagine the events that went through in that city. At some point in history, there was no jungle, it was a civilization busting with life. Wrong in many ways but intelligent and, after all, life. It is best said in the words of the Nobel Prize, Miguel Angel Asturias:

"The imagination reels. There are reliefs, pyramids, temples in the extinguished city. The damp murmur of the arroyos, voices, crepitations of the intertangling vines, the sound of flapping wings, trickle into the immense sea of silence. Everything palpitates, breathes, exhausting itself in green above the vast roof of Peten."
Miguel Ángel Asturias, The Mirror of Lida Sal: Tales

In a place like that lived a man of corn, seasoned with cocoa and chile. Tikal saw a man who conquered the challenges of building their mystical city in stone. A fallen man and a fallen culture... whatever happened to them, God only knows... literally. It is still an amazing sight to be seen in the deep of a beautiful jungle.

I'll post pictures later... this internet is slow and won't let me upload them right now

Slow

***edit*** check out my hubby's post at:

www.bendusky.blogspot.com ***

That's how I feel right now. I am still sick, now on antibiotics because the fever came back and yesterday I spent the day in bed. The whole day is a blurr and after a concerned hubby's call to my doctor in NY we got someone to come check on my lungs. My lungs are fine but my throat was showing signs of infection. Two dosis of antibiotics later, I feel a little weak but better and the fever is gone. That has also kept me from updating here... sorry. Here I am, in paradise and so sick I couldn't even believe it! Oh well, this too shall pass.

Half of us is already back in cold NY. The remaining half has had a slow couple days with me out of the picture and trying to manage the girls in a semi-familiar environment. Now, continuing with our vacation update, a week ago Sunday, we left from church, got changed and took the road for the first of our stops. Coban. We had dinner there. This was our hotel, there we rested and the next day drove for most of the day into the Mayan city of Tikal. Of that, I shall share later, right now I am still in need of some rest.

The Piñata

One day at a time... I have a few pics and videos up, but have to start from the very beginning, so here it goes...

My mom decided to welcome us by having an open-house-turned-into-a-birthday-celebration for the girls. We call it here "A Piñata". We had tons of people in and out of this house all afternoon long. Among the most surprising visits were those of a friend who lives in California and I hadn't seen in probably 6 years and a highschool classmate that I hadn't seen since graduation (I won't tell you how long that is).

Of course, the traditional piñata had to be a part of the celebration even when my girls seemed to be the only children around. This, ladies and gentlemen, was a true Guatemalan piñata. No offence to our wal@mart people but what they sell under the "piñata" label has never really been what's in my mind when I think of one. This should explain why. While most everyone got a shot at it (and maybe some of the younger people in our already beat me to the punch by posting videos of the event).

Elena seemed to know quite well that there were candy inside and that it needed to be hit with a stick to be broken, however with her fever and all she did not want to be on the spotlight and refused to break it. I will share the members of my little family who part took on the breaking of the Barney piñata (oh yeah, the crazy looking woman spinning my husband around would be Karin, my best friend).

Here we are!

Guatemala has proven itself to be the amazing and wonderful destination I've always thought it was. We hit the ground running and it has been great! Except for little girls and now myself, fighting some bug we had already brought with us with fevers, coughing and all that fun stuff, we are having the time of our lives.

Right after church on Sunday morning we took off for our final destination of Tikal, but we stopped for the night in Coban. Monday morning we left for Tikal and stayed in the middle of the jungle. Our hotel actually cuts off electricity and hot water at 9.00 p.m. We slept with the background noises of all kinds of jungle monkeys and birds. Every one else in the group got up at 4 and hiked the ruins to see the sunrise atop of one of the temples. My little girls, my mom and myself stayed behind to join them later. I can not describe to you how majestic and impressive was all of this. I had never been there before and my first sight of "El Gran Jaguar" brought tears to my eyes. I always regretted not having been able to visit Tikal, but now I am grateful that I came at the right time to appreciate it. What an amazing display of archaeology! Beautiful and breathtaking!

Tuesday led us out of the jungle and back down to the city. We spent our night at a beautiful resort and then we hired a boat that took us through the lake and the river all the way out into the open ocean and the city of Livingston.

Last night we came back into the city a very tired group and some of us sick. I will post some real pictures of the group as soon as I get a minute. Right now my dear hubby has the camera on him as he and the rest of the group are doing canopy. Sorry about the quick and brief update but I just wanted to at least drop everyone a few lines and let you know we are having a good time. Thank you all for your prayers!