Won't you know

SORRY, THIS IS A LONG ONE...

Yesterday, 1:45 p.m. I walked into my bedroom, plopped into bed and broke down crying. I was so tired... This is what happened:

God doesn't follow our schedules to speak into our lives (isn't that a relief?) and for what is worth neither do little girls.

My packing plans included putting little girls down for naps and getting some cleaning done around the house while they slept. It was Ben's last day at the office, so I knew he'd be late. I couldn't count on his help. Want to take a wild guess at what happened? Right, one little girl in particular was about to show me the extent of her will. One amazing and loving Father was about to teach me, yet again, a lesson on His love.

At about 12:15 we headed upstairs, changed diapers and got ready for naps. Adriana decided she didn't want to sleep there and began screaming with all her might... the fight of the wills began. I explained to Elena that her sister was learning to lay down her will and it was a little hard on her. So we prayed for Adriana together and then Elena drifted off into a deep sleep. Then I moved on to Adriana, knowing it would be long. I kept explaining her she needed to learn to lay her little will down.

"You need to stop this, honey. This is unacceptable. This behavior doesn't honor God. You belong to God, He made you and therefore you must submit to Him. You can do all things in Christ. You can control yourself. This wonderful will is a gift that the Lord will use for great things in your life but we must learn to control it now. I love you sweetie, the Bible says that if I love you I must correct you..."

Such things were said in between trips to the bathroom, hugs, kisses and prayers but the crying wouldn't stop, it wouldn't even wind down a bit. She was determined. In fact it went on for over an hour, non stop... blood curdling-high-pitched-screams.

As she kept this going, my heart was breaking. Many a trip to the bathroom, I fought back my tears in keeping up with the fight. I knew I needed to win this one. Why wouldn't she surrender? Why wouldn't she let go? I kept up with it until she finally collapsed. I couldn't believe how exhausted I felt. I knew it had been the right thing to do, I just couldn't believe how much iron will was in that tiny little peanut! And so, over an hour later there was finally silence, she was sleeping and I just cried.

I began praying and asking the Lord to cover her from the neighbors... "Oh, Lord, please I hope they couldn't hear. I don't want them saying how tough she is or making remarks about her... she is learning and though it was hard, it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, please, please cover her..." After all, Elena had peacefully slept through it all right in the next bed, so maybe the grace of the Lord would allow for our neighbors to not have heard a thing. As I kept crying and thinking I asked "Lord, why wouldn't she just surrender?" And then it came...

That sweet presence followed by a gentle whisper into my heart posed the question back to me: "Why don't you surrender?"

"What?! Me? Surrender? surrender what?" But as I formulated the questions in my heart, the answers were becoming more and more clear to me. Just then and there it dawned unto me that I had been fighting to cling on to something God wanted me to just let go.

My broken heart understood that as much as my heart broke for my little girl who wouldn't stop to see that my plans for her were for her own good realized that His perfect heart breaks even more when He sees me go through my own little fits. He hurts when I don't acknowledge that His plans for me are loving and better than my own. I though my fit, I mean my fight was rightful, but in the end it was just a fit. Repentance flowed out of this heart of mine and a sense of freedom and deliverance that I hadn't experienced in quite a few months overwhelmed me.

At that point (how timely!) Ben walked in. I related the events of the afternoon to him and confessed my own failure. Through prayer and Scripture we felt the Lord reveal the next step for us and we followed it right away.

So there, wouldn't you know... God had something to teach me through my little 18-month-old!

The Countdown begins

We finished our shopping yesterday, you know, last minute knick-knack gifts, snacks for the trip, and all that fun stuff. Both Ben and I were in desperately need of jeans and found a great deal here. Thanks to them (who told us about the sale), we spent less than $20 and we both walked out with a brand new and much needed new pair of jeans!

Won´t you know, of course, the weather has been getting bad. So by the looks of it, we are looking at leaving the comfort of our home at the insane time of 12.30 AM!!! on Friday. We´ll stop at Catskills where we´ll transfer to a bigger vehicle in which our friends will drive us to the LGA airport in New York City. All of that to ensure that we will be there with plenty of time for our 8.15 a.m. departure. After all, making sure that 9 of us check in for an international flight and making sure they do everything right for an "infant on lap" which is much more complicated for international flights, may take a bit of time.

Most of our clothes are packed, at least the girls´and mine. Our fridge is almost clean. The house is far from clean, but should be getting there as time progresses. Laundry is almost done too and if I could just sit down and wait till the time we leave so as not to add more items to the to-do list I´d be happy. However, I know that is impossible, so I´m taking it as it comes.

Off I go to put little girls down for naps...

How I wish I could bring you all!

In a way it is almost like having you over for dinner at my house. I do dream of traveling with many more of you and show you that other side of me, show you my heritage in its most vivid expression. Thank you all for your comments and encouragement! It does bless me that you don´t see me as such an odd ball after all, because it is very easy to feel that way. Silly, I know.

It is always interesting too to see Guatemalan´s react to who I have become. You see, we all know there is change that comes with marriage, motherhood, and life in and of itself. But normally, you see the change happen progressively. Adjustments are made to your view in life, to your priorities and even to your appearance as you see fit and needed. The thing is, I left Guatemala as a single, business oriented, driven, strong and opinionated woman. I come back as a tiny bit more mature wife and mom. You here have seen me evolve into the wife and the mom. They down there haven´t. To them my change is so radical and strong it shocks them.

At the same time, life went on for them. I can´t just squeeze into the space I left because life around that space has morphed and changed for them too. I don´t always know what they´re talking about anymore. I am not a part of the inside jokes anymore simply because I´m not "inside" anymore. To some, that is so difficult to fathom that the questions arise: "Is she really happy? She certainly is not the same she used to be!"

All that to say that it is always an interesting experience to go back... I am telling you... bringing these my two worlds together becomes more and more interesting every time.

Two worlds meet

It was bound to happen some day and in a little over a week, my two worlds will begin to mix. I must say it has got me both excited and nervous at the same time. Excited because finally some people here will get to see where I came from and get a glimpse of this other side of me. They will see where I lived, grew up, worked, attended church, they will see what I used to call home. Nervous because there is the slight possibility that they wouldn't like what they see.

My hubby says that I do "turn into another person" when I begin relating in Spanish to all my Guatemalan family and friends. He loves it and so far he was the only one who'd get to see this "transformation". My girlies are exposed to it but are still to little to understand it. So, my pearls will be out in the open for these friends to see.

Very, very interesting and I will comment more on this as thoughts come to mind...

Messages from the Girls to the family in Guatemala

¡Tres años!

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ENGLISH VERSION

Es más que justo hablar de mi dulce niñita, especialmente cuando el tiempo se pasa tan rápidamente y ya no puedo confiarle a mi memoria los momentos más preciados. Asi que, aquí les va:

:: Mi Elena es una pequeña adulta. Las palabras que más escucho a lo largo del día son: "Mi turno, mi turno" o "Yo lo hago solita". Está tan ansiosa de ser independiente en tantas cosas, pero en otras tantas todavía quiere ser bebé.

:: Le encanta que uno se acurruque con ella y la abrace, en inglés dice "You have to songa with me"

:: Estas últimas semanas ha estado tratando de determinar cómo nos quiere llamar a Ben y a mí. En muy poco tiempo yo he sido "Mami", "Mama" y actualmente respondo al nombre de "Mom". Ben, por su parte ha sido "Papi", "Daddy" y es momentáneamente "Dad". No hay forma de saber cuánto tiempo durará esta fase o qué nombres escogerá al final. De hecho, ya ha tratado llamarnos ocasionalmente por nuestros nombres de pila y ocasionalmente ha llamado "Honey" a Ben.

:: Sus actividades favoritas son los rompecabezas, jugar con plasticina y tratar de trazar letras. Quisiera poder decir que esto se debe a la excelencia de mis disciplinas pre-escolares, pero es simplemente gracias a sus ansias de aprender. Le fascinan las letras y constantemente trata de reconocerlas dondequiera que estemos. Mi más grande impresión fue cuando me llamó un día para que viera lo que había dibujado y yo, esperando ver garabatos que tendría que interpretar, me sorprendí de ver en el papel una "E" y una "L" garabateadas con torpeza en el papel.

:: Constantemente habla de su castillo que, según dice, está muy, muy lejos y nosotros no podemos visitarlo todos los días porque las puertas no son lo suficientemente grandes para que Ben y yo quepamos. Asi que muy de vez en cuando tenemos la dicha y suerte de que las puertas crecieron al tamaño justo para que podamos entrar.

:: Su comunicación mejora cada día y evidentemente se siente más segura porque ahora pregunta por el español de algunas cosas. A veces ella misma suelta su versión en español de alguna palabra. Debo admitir que es un tanto gracioso escuchar a mi hija hablar español con acento... pero bueno. Nos divertimos tratando de descifrar sus palabras algunas veces. El otro día hice salmón y por la prouniciación en inglés "Sámon" ella lo llamó "Sami".

:: Le gusta mucho cantar y ahora lo hace solita. Cuando está jugando o anda por la casa, empieza a cantar su propia versión de todas las canciones que se le ocurren.

:: En términos generales es una niña muy dulce. Parece ser muy perceptiva aunque como buena niñita de tres años escoge su voluntad sobre la razón con frecuencia. Cuando le dijimos que íbamos a tener otro bebé, estaba muy entusiasmada y todos los días, cuando me veía vestirme, corría hacia mí, me sobaba el estómago y decía "Mami, tu bebé esta creciendo más y más. Tú estás creciendo más y más, Mami". Con la pérdida, la sentamos en mis piernas y le dijimos que el bebito ya no iba a venir a nuestra casa sino que se había ido al cielo. Pareció un poco confusa al principio y no sabíamos cuánto en realidad había entendido. Me dio un beso en la panza y dijo "Bye, baby". Un par de días más tarde, cuando me vio vestirme, corrió hacia mí nuevamente. Empezó a sobarme la panza y dijo "Mami..." se quedó pensando un par de segundos y luego dijo "... tu bebé está en el cielo. ¡Tienes que conseguirte otro!"

:: ¡Es muy buena hermana! Le encanta leerle historia a Adriana de su Biblia. Con frecuencia, cuando las subimos para dormir la siesta, mientras preparamos el cuarto para que duerman ellas se suben a la camita de Elena y una escucha mientras la otra "lee".

Qué más puedo decir, hay tanto más que podría contar pero me detendré aquí. No podría estar más agradecida por mi amada niñita. Ella inició mi travesía de mamá y ha hecho cada momento tan interesante. Me llena la vida de gozo, abrazos y besos. ¡Mi niñita es perfecta!

My three year old

It is just fitting to talk about my sweet little girl, especially when time goes by so quickly and I cannot trust so many precious moments to my memory alone. So here it is:

:: My Elena is becoming this little adult. The words I most hear her say through the day are: "My turn, my turn" or "I can do it myself". She is so eager to be self sufficient in so many ways, but in so many others she still wants to be a baby.

:: She loves snuggling except she says "You have to songa with me"

:: These past few weeks she has been trying to figure out what she wants to call Ben and me. In a very short span I have been "Mami", "Mama", and am currently responding to "Mom". Whereas Ben has been "Papi", "Daddy" and is "Dad" for the time being. There is no telling how long this season will last or what name she'll like the best. In fact, she has also tried our first names on occasion and has called Ben "Honey" several times.

:: Her favorite activities of late are puzzles, play dough and trying to draw letters. I wish I could say this is due to my excellent pre-school disciplines but it is merely due to her eagerness to learn. She is quite fascinated by letters and keeps trying to recognize them everywhere we go. My greatest shock came when she called me one day to show me what she'd drawn and as I expected to see some shapeless scribble that I was supposed to interpret a roughly shaped "E" followed by an "L" were awkwardly formed on the paper.

:: She constantly talks about her castle which, she reports, is very, very far away and we can´t visit everyday because the doors aren´t always big enough for Ben and myself to fit. So every once in a while we get lucky and the doors are big enough and we can visit her castle.

:: Her communication gets better and better each day and she evidently feels more confident because now she actually asks for Spanish words for things and sometimes just blurts out her Spanish version of something. I must admit it is quite funny to hear my daughter speak Spanish with an accent... At any rate, we have fun trying to figure out her words at times. The other day I cooked salmon and she kept calling it "Sami".

:: She likes to sing and now does so on her own. When she is playing by herself or just going about the house, she´ll be singing her versions of all kinds of songs.

:: Overall she is a very sweet girl. She seems to be very perceptive of things even though as a good three-year-old she chooses her will over reason more often than not. When we told her we were having another baby she was very excited and every day that she´d see me get dressed she´d run over, rub my belly and say "Mami, your baby is getting bigger and bigger. You are getting bigger and bigger, Mami!" As I miscarried, we brought her over to our laps and told her that the baby wasn´t going to come to us anymore, but had gone to heaven instead. She seemed a little confused and we didn´t know how much she´d really understand. She kissed my belly and said "Bye, baby" and kept on playing. A day or two after that, I was getting dressed and she came running to me. She began to rub my belly and said "Mami..." she hesitated for a couple seconds and then said "...your baby is in heaven. You need to get another one!"

:: She is a great big sister! She loves to read from her Bible but she also loves to read to Adriana from her Bible. Often, when we bring them upstairs for naps, as we go about the room getting it ready for naps, they both climb on Elena´s little bed and one listens while the other "reads".

What can I say, there is so much more I could say but I will stop here. I couldn´t be more grateful for my lovely little girl. She began me in my journey of motherhood and has made every moment of it so interesting. She fill my life with joy, snuggles and kisses. She is just perfect!

Three Years Old!!!!

My lovely little girl turned three yesterday and while I recover from the shock and the work of her little party, here are some pics. Later I´ll tell you more about my girl.

Mi niñita preciosa cumplió tres años ayer y mientras me recupero del shock de verla crecer y del trabajo de su fiestecita, aqui les pongo unas fotos. Más tarde les cuento un poquito de mi niñita.

This year I went for an easier cake.
Elena absolutely loves puzzles, so this is what we came up with.
Este año decicí hacer un pastel más fácil.
A Elena le encantan los rompecabezas, asi que esto fue lo que se nos ocurrió.

This was her little cake we sang to her with in the morning, before church.
Este fue el pastelito con el que le cantamos en la mañana, antes de irnos a la iglesia.

Who doesn´t love chocolate cake for breakfast?
Now, I do promise you I gave each half a bagel with cream cheese too.
¿A quién no le gusta el pastel de chocolate de desayuno?
Pero les prometo que le di a cada uno la mitad de un bagel con queso crema también.

And then, after church, the party...
Y luego la fiesta, después de la iglesia...

Enjoying her food with her little friends.
She sat between Dany and Gabriel.
Disfrutando su comida con sus amiguitos.
Se sentó en medio de Dany y Gabriel.

Isn´t she having the greatest time!
Here she is with one of her favorite friends from church, Bekah.
¡Se la está pasando de lo mejor!
En esta foto está con una de sus amigas favoritas de la iglesia, Bekah.

But the party wasn´t over... here she is watching a movie with Gabriel and Cailen as the respective parents were catching up on football games!
Pero allí no terminó la fiesta... ¡aqui está viendo una película con Gabriel y Cailen mientras que los padres correspondientes se ponían al día con los juegos de football!

Our very tired little family after the day of celebration!
¡Nuestra pequeña y cansada familia después de un día de celebración!

I've been tagged...

My dear US Mom tagged me, so here it goes...

Seven Unknown or weird facts about myself:

1. I spent a student vacation working at the local fair, selling "prototypes" of perfumes. That would be the fancy way of saying that I sold cheap versions of the popular name brands of the time.

2. I would love to play "project manager" in the apprentice. I couldn´t care less for Mr. Trump or anything in the show, but I love the challenges and the "make it happen" attitude of the show. Aside from the "reality TV drama" I love the show.

3. Every time I go to a bathroom I have to double check that the door is locked... maybe because growing up, our school had stalls with wooden doors that didn´t lock and my worst nightmare was to have someone open it on me. I never thought that if it ever happened it would be another little girl, but it was traumatizing enough that up to this day I have the compulsion of making sure the door is locked... quite OCD in my opinion.

4. Up until last week, I had never eaten oatmeal mush. Actually it was Ben who made it as it wouldn´t even had occurred to me that such a thing was edible.

5. I have actually ridden a "bicycle for two" that my parents used to own. When I was about 5 years old, my mom and my aunt used to ride it around the neighborhood tugging along my cousin and me. But then I rode it with my best friend about 10 or 12 years ago. We had a blast! It was the last time we could take vacations at the same time.

6. I grew up watching "Little House on the Prairie" in Guatemala and did not know it was based on a real life story until about 5 years ago. Obviously, I have never read the books, I didn't even know they existed!

7. Thanks to my best friend, I took a bimester of German when I was in high school. I wanted to enroll in French, but her long dream was German and because I didn't want to go by myself, I enrolled with her. I just did the beginners two months and I do not remember anything at all! If I could, now I'd study Italian.

So there, I hope you find this interesting and unknown... and here are the rules:

*Link to the person that tagged you
*Post the rules on your blog.
*Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
*Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
*Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs. I am tagging... Melanie, Maureen, Becky, My Hubby, Heidi, Dee and Hannah.

The apple doesn´t fall far from the tree!!!

I find it fascinating that you don´t really have to teach children what to like or dislike. They already come "preprogrammed" for that. As I was cleaning the kitchen I had left this cut up lime on the table and when I turned to look for it, I couldn´t find it. Come to find out, Adriana climbed up on the table, took both halves and was enjoying them all around the house!

¡De tal palo, tal astilla!
¡Me parece fascinante que no hay que enseñarle a los niños nada respecto a gustos! Ya vienen con todo eso programado. Estaba limpiando la cocina y había dejado este limón en la mesa, cuando me di la vuelta para buscarlo, no lo encontré. Resulta que Adriana se encaramó a la mesa, agarró el limón y se lo estaba chupando por toda la casa.

The things we ask for

About six years ago I was reading Kathryn Kulhman's biography. The intimacy this woman shared with God was so inspiring! I was especially inspired by this portion where the author was telling how before a meeting she would be walking the grounds in prayer. She looked like she was talking to someone, in her gestures, her body language and then someone would approach her with a question about logistics and she'd be quick to smile and respond and then just "pick up" with God where she'd left, no loss of depth, no loss of intimacy at all. I remember telling the Lord, how I wish I could be like that... ohh to walk with you in such deep communion!

A couple of months ago I was in church, it was worship time and I kept getting tugs on my pants. After constant settling of little disputes and several corrections and reminders to little girls to stay in their seats, not to disturb others in prayer, etc., etc., I sighed and wondered... "Will I ever be able to get through a worship service without feeling like I lost the moment?" And then it came... the quiet, subtle whisper to my heart... "Wasn't this what you asked for? Such deep communion that interruptions would be nothing more than minor pauses in our conversation?" So no complaints on this end... I do get interrupted plenty of times but now know that it is ok, He has put within me the ability to maintain the intimacy, it is all up to me, He is always available. Better yet, unlike me, He never forgets where we were!

If I could only figure out what was that I prayed that led me to the grounds I am standing on right now, maybe I could learn my lesson quick and get it over with!

Still alive...

just a little withdrawn. We are in the midst of our prayer and fasting week at church and it has kept us busy with daily meetings but it has also kept me occupied in contemplating, re-thinking and re-evaluating this little life of ours. Some things may happen as a result of the fast, some were already in the process but we've been holding on to just seek confirmation this season.

So, we are well, it was just time to think a little harder.

See you all soon!

The New Year

After all the festivities have officially finished (birthday, anniversary, etc.) I feel like I've hit the ground running. It is the first week of the year, yet I feel like I am already behind in everything.

Looking ahead there is a little birthday party to plan.
A trip to Guatemala to put together.
A house that desperately needs an organizing hand in EVERY room.
By every room I mean that every corner of every room need rearranging.
At the same time we juggle life... which encapsulates everything else, the unexpected, the unplanned for, the urgent, etc.

So, this early into the year, I am already tired... I so desperately need to regroup and refocus... He alone is my source, He alone is my strength and most importantly He alone is my goal...

How not to lose sight of that?