This is the continuation of my previous entry. Once again, pardon the length, I just needed to help myself process and this proves to be a much faster way.
The wait at the gate is followed by the boarding of the plane. Adriana quickly falls asleep and Elena settles in her seat very excited that we are flying again. I look out the window as we taxi our way to taking off, tears streaming down my face as I look at all the things I didn't get to see because of being sick. I already miss this place. I know it isn't the safest but it is mine. I know the buildings, the streets, the people... There is at least one memory attached in any direction I look!
Elena talks to me and as I turn to look at her, unable to hide my tears, she looks at me puzzled. She is so excited to come home and though I am excited to come home I am also sad. I guess she can't really understand feeling both emotions at the same time, at least not yet. As we take off a tear is shed for every sight as it recalls one of the many memories from this trip or from my life.
Once again, I am quickly called back to composure by the needs of my sweet little girls. That is part of this calling, my needs are pushed to the bottom drawer. I get to process them in times like this, hours and hours later.
The plane in and of itself proves tough. After having been sick and congested, it is getting really uncomfortable for us girls, and even Ben ends up with a headache through the whole thing. After landing, going through immigration is, for the first time, very easy. No quizzical looks by the immigration officer assuming that because I am Hispanic something has to be wrong with my documents. The officer is quite warm and nice and lets us through even with a chuckle as he says good bye to Elena who keeps repeating "Thank you, bye" from her stroller. This is a very welcomed relief, especially because (most of you may not know this) I forgot my residence at home and it was quite a hassle trying to get on the planes down to Guatemala. We got it mailed down but it took longer to arrive than we expected so we were a bit nervous about my return. So having a nice officer who is not trying to make things harder was nice and relieving.
As we got ready to land in La Guardia, I kept looking out the window. Maybe in some desperate attempt to recognize something to make me feel I am coming home. It is hard though. We are arriving at night time and we hardly ever land in the same place. Once again, the Mommy hat needs to be put on and the plan for the remainder of the trip is mapped out. Stop for diaper changes immediately, pull out sweaters from the carry ons, prepare little girls for a long drive, get our baggage, and so the list begins. It is shortly past midnight and we still have a 3 hr plus drive ahead.
It is nice to see Jody at the airport. We go find our bags and, of course, one didn't make it. Off to the airline's baggage office to open a claim. To my surprise it is rather quick, maybe it's because of the time, the attendant must be in a hurry to finish up and go home. Funny as it may be, that one bag makes the difference and its absence provides for just the right amount of space needed for the drive home. We have suitcases up to our elbows but we still have enough room to sit comfortably.
We pull up our driveway. It is about 4 a.m. We open the door and this place feels so strange... It is home but it looks and feels different. We pleasantly find a bathroom with new floor, a new toilet and a new sink in the process of being installed. How nice it looks. Little girls run to turn on each and every toy they rediscover. I feel for our neighbors who have to be woken up inevitably by this noise. A cup of juice, phone messages checked and little by little it is feeling like home again. We then go upstairs, little girls jump to their own little beds but still want to sleep with us and at this point we don't mind. We all get to bed at 4.30, purposely we don't set any alarms on, we'll let our bodies tell us when to wake up.
Ben wakes up first and starts trying to bring some suitcases up and to begin life. At the mention of Abby, Elena jumps off the bed. See, her first thing she has wanted to do for the past 3 to four days is see Abby. Ben takes her over for a visit and very slowly life begins here in this little home. I feel somewhat numb... I don't want to unpack because I know that that means that I have to face my feelings that have been bottling up since this leg of the journey began, sometime yesterday. So the bags sit there, I open them only to get out the absolute necessary things. The day is slow and though I feel so sad and miss Guate so much I am happy to be home. Now to pick up where we left. Discipline needs to be revisited with little girls. Routine needs to be established again. With this post I finish my mourning process and look ahead... there is a winter camp to prepare for, unpacking and settling at home as we also look ahead to a very possible downsizing.
At the same time I will begin my process of "marrying" the old and the new. God led us this way, He provides for the adjustments that need to happen, we only need to settle, listen and let Him be our all. Slowly I let go of my fears of final good byes and give in to the trust in an ever loving Father. True, the day will come when a final good bye will be said, but I need not rush in finding comfort for that as there isn't grace for that today. It is not happening, I don't need the grace for it. If and when it happens He will be readily available to comfort and strengthen as He is now and as He always is.
Emotional times like these are good in reminding me that although I need to blend in, I also need to keep my culture alive and pass it on to my daughters. I get the load as I process but later clarity will come and ideas to incorporate that world into our lives will come too. I must not forget that, after all, we are a bi-cultural home and we need to celebrate and embrace it. I don't necessarily know what it needs to look like, but I trust that it will come to us as we live. Thanks for bearing with me and for all your words of encouragement and comfort. I am happy to come home to loving people who give me room to be the odd ball I am! Thank you and I love you all, you are very dear friends... you make this foreign land home.
The wait at the gate is followed by the boarding of the plane. Adriana quickly falls asleep and Elena settles in her seat very excited that we are flying again. I look out the window as we taxi our way to taking off, tears streaming down my face as I look at all the things I didn't get to see because of being sick. I already miss this place. I know it isn't the safest but it is mine. I know the buildings, the streets, the people... There is at least one memory attached in any direction I look!
Elena talks to me and as I turn to look at her, unable to hide my tears, she looks at me puzzled. She is so excited to come home and though I am excited to come home I am also sad. I guess she can't really understand feeling both emotions at the same time, at least not yet. As we take off a tear is shed for every sight as it recalls one of the many memories from this trip or from my life.
Once again, I am quickly called back to composure by the needs of my sweet little girls. That is part of this calling, my needs are pushed to the bottom drawer. I get to process them in times like this, hours and hours later.
The plane in and of itself proves tough. After having been sick and congested, it is getting really uncomfortable for us girls, and even Ben ends up with a headache through the whole thing. After landing, going through immigration is, for the first time, very easy. No quizzical looks by the immigration officer assuming that because I am Hispanic something has to be wrong with my documents. The officer is quite warm and nice and lets us through even with a chuckle as he says good bye to Elena who keeps repeating "Thank you, bye" from her stroller. This is a very welcomed relief, especially because (most of you may not know this) I forgot my residence at home and it was quite a hassle trying to get on the planes down to Guatemala. We got it mailed down but it took longer to arrive than we expected so we were a bit nervous about my return. So having a nice officer who is not trying to make things harder was nice and relieving.
As we got ready to land in La Guardia, I kept looking out the window. Maybe in some desperate attempt to recognize something to make me feel I am coming home. It is hard though. We are arriving at night time and we hardly ever land in the same place. Once again, the Mommy hat needs to be put on and the plan for the remainder of the trip is mapped out. Stop for diaper changes immediately, pull out sweaters from the carry ons, prepare little girls for a long drive, get our baggage, and so the list begins. It is shortly past midnight and we still have a 3 hr plus drive ahead.
It is nice to see Jody at the airport. We go find our bags and, of course, one didn't make it. Off to the airline's baggage office to open a claim. To my surprise it is rather quick, maybe it's because of the time, the attendant must be in a hurry to finish up and go home. Funny as it may be, that one bag makes the difference and its absence provides for just the right amount of space needed for the drive home. We have suitcases up to our elbows but we still have enough room to sit comfortably.
We pull up our driveway. It is about 4 a.m. We open the door and this place feels so strange... It is home but it looks and feels different. We pleasantly find a bathroom with new floor, a new toilet and a new sink in the process of being installed. How nice it looks. Little girls run to turn on each and every toy they rediscover. I feel for our neighbors who have to be woken up inevitably by this noise. A cup of juice, phone messages checked and little by little it is feeling like home again. We then go upstairs, little girls jump to their own little beds but still want to sleep with us and at this point we don't mind. We all get to bed at 4.30, purposely we don't set any alarms on, we'll let our bodies tell us when to wake up.
Ben wakes up first and starts trying to bring some suitcases up and to begin life. At the mention of Abby, Elena jumps off the bed. See, her first thing she has wanted to do for the past 3 to four days is see Abby. Ben takes her over for a visit and very slowly life begins here in this little home. I feel somewhat numb... I don't want to unpack because I know that that means that I have to face my feelings that have been bottling up since this leg of the journey began, sometime yesterday. So the bags sit there, I open them only to get out the absolute necessary things. The day is slow and though I feel so sad and miss Guate so much I am happy to be home. Now to pick up where we left. Discipline needs to be revisited with little girls. Routine needs to be established again. With this post I finish my mourning process and look ahead... there is a winter camp to prepare for, unpacking and settling at home as we also look ahead to a very possible downsizing.
At the same time I will begin my process of "marrying" the old and the new. God led us this way, He provides for the adjustments that need to happen, we only need to settle, listen and let Him be our all. Slowly I let go of my fears of final good byes and give in to the trust in an ever loving Father. True, the day will come when a final good bye will be said, but I need not rush in finding comfort for that as there isn't grace for that today. It is not happening, I don't need the grace for it. If and when it happens He will be readily available to comfort and strengthen as He is now and as He always is.
Emotional times like these are good in reminding me that although I need to blend in, I also need to keep my culture alive and pass it on to my daughters. I get the load as I process but later clarity will come and ideas to incorporate that world into our lives will come too. I must not forget that, after all, we are a bi-cultural home and we need to celebrate and embrace it. I don't necessarily know what it needs to look like, but I trust that it will come to us as we live. Thanks for bearing with me and for all your words of encouragement and comfort. I am happy to come home to loving people who give me room to be the odd ball I am! Thank you and I love you all, you are very dear friends... you make this foreign land home.
4 comments:
Teach us how to be Guatemalan!!!And you are definitely not an oddball...see you soon!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and world. It helps me to know you better.
LOVE YOU!!!!!!
Hi Keila, It's a blessing to have you here.. Your not an oddball by no means!!! I can honestly say that I have learned so much from you and I am glad that God has called you to be here.. It wasn't in vain!! I love you Keila!!! I left a message for you guys on Pastor Ben's blog by the way.. See you soon!!
Love Kristi
Post a Comment