Another Year

As we wave away 2008 and prepare to welcome 2009 I have so much in my mind and in my heart. I don't really know where to begin or how much to share as life this year has felt so overwhelming. I feel uncertain about so many things... be it past decisions that at the time seemed to come out of obedience and are yielding results we never imagined we'd have to face or future decisions that we are trying to make wisely.

We left 2007 grieving a little life lost to a miscarriage, facing a scary and unexpected turn of a business venture and praying that 2008 would bring better news. Today we are facing much more uncertainty than we were a year ago and though in many ways 2008 brought much better news and bore blessings we can't even begin to count, it did leave us recovering from quite a few unexpected blows.

I am so thankful for the hand of the Lord that has carried us through thick and thin. He continues to be the only constant in our life with His mercy, steadfastness and love. I definitely pray that 2009 brings awaited resolution and relief of situations, clarity and wisdom for decisions, and maybe even a little respite from all the squeezing and stretching, but if it doesn't at least I know I will always have His grace, His comfort, His shelter, His forgiveness, and His love... I will always have Him, that is all I want to keep in mind.

Welcome one, welcome all

Our house has reached its full temporary potential. The last two guests scheduled for arrival happened to arrive on the same day. My cousin had the tiniest little baby (6.2 lbs) on Sunday at about 2:00 p.m., only 5 hours after his father joined the laboring Mom at the hospital!

All along, from the midwives to all of us were fearing Jorge was coming too early and he'd have to leave before the baby's birth. Talk about God's control over things!

At any rate, here we are, two little babies, two little girls and six adults, all in our house. An American-Guatemalan-Puerto Rican mix!

A few pics.:

Luis André Cintrón
Dec. 28/08
6.2 lbs -- 19"

He is a perfect mix of his parents!

Newest cousins... My little Ben doesn't look that little next to him!

So much going on

Adriana LOVES to "tiss the baby"

My baby boyEnjoying the snow after the play, even when it was about 9:00 p.m.

All Adriana would do: jump into a mound of snow.

I´m afraid there is just so much activity going on I haven´t caught a breath long enough to sit and write properly. There has been a lot on my mind but it hasn´t made it to this blog because I am still adjusting to life with three little ones and a full house for the Holidays. So I´ll just let some pictures fill in while my mind (and life!) are more in order!

Survived!

We survived! The blackout, storm, whatever you want to call it. It was quite the adventure to spend one night "power-less" at home (well, two if you count Thursday night, when the power went out). Saturday morning we had been invited to breakfast to our friends' who did have power and heat (and cook) with propane. So we opened our eyes, rolled out of bed, grabbed our toothbrushes and packed up the car to go over. Let me just say, we got there for breakfast and were quickly talked into staying for a few hours while the men tried to lug generators and the such. A few hours turned into spending the night!

We were very graciously hosted, the five members of my little family plus my mom, plus my cousin, plus my cousin's mom who happened to arrive in town that very same day!

I learned so much about community as so many did so much for each other. From men who showed up to our property to cut damaged trees, to couples out in the city who'd call and offer to bring whatever was needed, to friends showing up for showers at friends' homes, people crashing at other people's homes. In the midst of such complicated times, we were all there for each other, how wonderful.

Sunday morning services were carried with no sound equipment, all bundled up with an extra layer or two, and a few empty chairs. That same morning, trucks came in from some obscure place in Michigan and I mean A LOT of trucks and some amazing people gave up their Sunday morning to come be our heroes and restore our power.

The landscape was breathtaking, the company so much fun, the lessons invaluable, the weekend was unforgettable!!!

Lovely

Little Ben´s Birth (I apologize... it is really long)

The 40th week of my pregnancy I began having the usual "bouts" of contractions heralding my baby´s arrival. However I had determined not to pay attention to them and so I did. Except for Ben, whom I told occasionally about them, nobody knew and I managed to ignore even the painful ones. If there were any contractions too hard to ignore, I´d try to practice relaxing and reminding myself that my body was just getting ready to give "passage" to this new life so I could hold and admire it.

Sunday morning as we were getting ready for church I actually considered the possibility that we might not make it to church but we did and still the remainder of the day went on.

Monday at 4:00 a.m. a strong contraction woke me up. Still determined to keep with my plan, I went back to sleep. The next contraction woke me up, I looked at the clock: 4:06, back to sleep again and back up with the next. I went back to sleep again, and again and by about 4.45 recognized a pattern but still decided to keep resting. When by 5:00 things hadn´t changed I woke Ben up and invited him to join me in the living room to see where things were heading.

Once downstairs I had some juice and we sat to watch "Dinner Impossible" and when the show was over and nothing had stopped we decided to watch another taped show (we couldn´t think of anything else to do at that point!). "Chuck" was on and I can´t really tell you much about it because contractions were beginning to get more intense. We finished watching the show (upon my request, I didn´t want to get to the hospital sooner than necessary) and then I called the midwife. She was very kind and attentive to my wishes to not go in too soon, but dropping the phone during a contraction was probably sign enough that I at least needed to begin getting ready to leave. She told Ben this when he picked up the phone and we agreed that we´d be leaving in about an hour.

By then it was already 6.45 (give or take) so we went upstairs, woke the girls up and explained we were heading to the hospital because our baby was coming. Maria came over to help get them ready and then bring them to the hospital with my cousin, Susi.

We left with both Moms in Mom L´s car. I asked Ben to take his time and so we did. Contractions were steady and strong but I still was in no hurry. I had chosen to remain calm and at least in this first few hours I could still handle to do it.

On our way to the hospital we realized that our birth plan (which we decided to write this time due to the change in practitioners and hospital) had been left in our van. We called Susi and asked her to bring it in right away upon their arrival to the hospital. They arrived a while after we did and, to my surprise, not only Susi came in with the papers, but they allowed them all to come in. I can´t tell you what a happy moment it was to see my girls right there. I must say it was a blessing to know them so close to me and so well taken care of. Just the thought of being able to see them at any point brought so much peace and joy to my heart. After Elena´s quick question of "Why aren´t you in the bed, Mami?" and a few blown kisses they were taken out to the waiting area and I continued my labor.

Rebbeca, our midwife, was great. She honored (and defended) my every wish. Since my Strep B screening came back negative, I declined the IV. In spite of being in the hospital, not one single nurse or resident checked me and though some monitoring was required, it was almost a joke because I kept moving to my comfort and I ultimately took it off.

The room with the tub was already taken, so I didn´t have the tub to labor in. Also, the hospital was so busy that day I literally caught the last available LD&R room, which also happened to have the shower head broken! But it was still functional and I wasn´t going to lose my focus over circumstantial things, so I chose to ignore those details and stick to my plan. We talked and laughed in between contractions and during contractions I´d "get to work". My natural reaction to contractions is to squat, so I´d squat and try to focus my thoughts and my strength in "letting my body do the work".

Never once did I allow myself to complain about the pain but instead I´d force myself to try and focus on my womb and the work it was doing in bringing my baby out. I tried to "think open" and, in Ina May Gaskin´s words, tried to visualize my contractions as energy waves or rushes bringing my baby closer to me; visualize my baby slowly and smoothly descending; and make sure my jaw and throat were relaxed.

By about 9.30 I got out of the shower and let Rebbeca check me. I was 8+ cm and my waters were leaking. Now, I wanted to wait for them to break spontaneously but, what can I say, I "cheated" and let her finish breaking them. In the end, this proved to be a good idea because we could see there was meconium in the waters and that gave me some time to prepare for the cord to be cut much sooner than I had wanted and the neonatologist to whisk my baby off to make sure there would be no aspiration.

Upon breaking the waters, of course the baby´s descent began and contractions were even stronger. I was amazed at being able to recognize that the baby´s head was coming down and at the risk of appearing like a lunatic (I´m sure I did look like a lunatic in hindsight, but hey, a girl´s gotta do what a girl´s gotta do!), I´ll confess I did tell the baby "I love you, baby, come down, come down" in the midst of contractions, while squatting on the bed and holding on to the bar.

The rest periods in between contractions were truly that for I felt so content and relaxed that I knew I could very well snooze. Therefore, I decided to stay in the bed so I could lay back, stretch my legs and almost go to sleep, if not for the company and conversation that were so enjoyable. I had never felt the "urge to push" and informed my midwife that I really wanted to get to that point this time.

As I said earlier, my natural reaction to contractions is to squat, so Rebbeca suggested rolling over my left side during the following contraction just to see if a change in position would change anything. Well, it did... in that same contraction I let them know as calmly as I could: "ok, I´m going to push now." The statement was followed by the infamous "ring of fire" and while I thought I had just pushed the head out, I tried to lift my head to see and instead of a head I saw a baby on the bed! After a few seconds I did have to ask: "What did we have?!" though my husband´s joyful tears and indescribable expresion led me to think we´ve had a boy! After a quick clean up, the girls came in to meet their little brother. None of us could possibly imagine life without him now!

Pensamientos sobre el trabajo de parto

Como todos los que se mantienen al tanto de mi vida sabrán, durante este embarazo leí, y leí, y leí todo lo que pude respecto al trabajo de parto. Estaba determinada a hacer todo lo que estuviera en mi poder para hacerlo lo más placentero posible. A lo largo de mi lectura constantemente me intrigó leer de todas las mujeres que confían en todo tipo de cosas que reconocen como poderosas en sus propias vidas y salen de sus experiencias de parto con un nuevo sentido de fuerza y felices. Mi pregunta era, ¿por qué ellas, con conocimiento humano y fallido tienen experiencias de parto tan positivas y nosotras, con la sabiduría infinita de nuestro Padre y el poder del Espíritu Santo de nuestra parte no las tenemos?

Quisiera poder decir que encontré "la respuesta" a esta cuestionante. No fue así, al menos no encontré la fórmula mágica que toda mujer en el mundo puede aplicar. Pero sí encontré una respuesta para mí. Nunca sugeriría que toda mujer debiera hacer las cosas de tal o cual forma. Creo firmemente que Dios nos hizo únicas y en esa individualidad debemos encontrar lo que Él espera de nosotras para hacer que las situaciones nos beneficien al máximo, no solamente al momento de dar a luz sino en todo aspecto de la vida. Después de todo, si Él hubiera querido que todas fuéramos iguales, nos habría hecho idénticas para empezar.

Esto fue lo que concluí:

Lo primero que encontré en común en todo lo que leí fue una actitud positiva, dadivosa y amorosa durante el trabajo de parto. Ese mensaje era contrario a todo lo que había escuchado antes y tenía perfecto sentido... después de todo, es un principio Bíblico, hay mucha más bendición en dar que en recibir.

Lo segundo fue relacionado a cómo lidiar con las contracciones. A mí nunca se me había ocurrido pensar en ellas como una fuente de fuerza que me estaba acercando a mi bebé. Siempre las consideré un dolor del que me quería deshacer y que sólo estaba sufriéndolo mientras venía el bebé.

Lo tercero fue en cuanto a enfoque, en no enfocarme en cuánto tiempo llevo, cuánto tiempo me falta, cuántas contracciones más, sino en tomar cada contracción como un sólo minuto de mi vida que y cuando ya pasó sencillamente disfrutar el período de descanso sin anticipar ni preocuparme por la próxima ola de dolor.

Así que me armé con una lista de todos los himnos y cantos de alabanza que le comunicaran fuerza, rendición y entrega a mi espíritu y me acostaba a dormir todas las noches con esa música de fondo durante las últimas semanas. Me propuse no ponerle atención a las contracciones hasta no saber que eran consistentes, intensas y regulares por lo menos por una hora. Finalmente, aunque no necesariamente ansiaba enfrentar el proceso, también me propuse acoger el trabajo de parto y trabajar con él tanto como me fuera posible.

Esos son algunos de mis pensamientos y fueron los pensamientos con que llegué al trabajo de parto. La historia del parto en sí, para quienes estén interesados, vendrá más adelante.

About Birth

As it is well known by all who keep up with my little life, I read, and read, and read everything I could during this pregnancy. I was determined to do everything in my power to make it as pleasant as could be. Through my reading I was constantly puzzled by all those women who rely on all kinds of things they recognize as powerful in their lives and came out of their birthing experiences empowered and happy. Why would they, with human and failing knowledge, have such good birthing experiences and we, with the infinite wisdom of our Father and the power of the Holy Spirit to tap into, don't?

I wish I could say I found "the answer" to this. I didn't, not the one-fits-all answer anyway. I did find an answer for myself though. I would never suggest that everyone should do things this or that way. I believe that in our God given uniqueness we must find what God expects from us to make situations work for the best, not only in labor and delivery but in every aspect of life. After all, if He'd wanted for us all to be the same, He would have made us the same to begin with.

Having said that, this were my findings:

The first common thread I found in all the reading I did was a positive, giving and loving attitude during labor. That message was contrary to all that I've heard before, and it made sense... after all, it is a Biblical principle, there is much more blessing in giving than receiving.

The second thing was in the terms of how to treat the contractions. I never thought of thinking about them as a sort of strength that was bringing my baby closer. I always thought of them as this pain I wanted to get rid of and was just suffering through.

The third thing was still in terms of focus. Not to focus on how much longer, how much time, how many contractions, but to take each contraction as one single minute of my life that was over when it was over and then simply enjoy the period of rest not even anticipating the next wave of pain.

So, I armed myself with a list of all the hymns and worship songs that spoke surrender, and strength to my spirit and I went to bed to those songs every night for the last few weeks. I purposed myself not to pay attention to the contractions until they had been consistent, intense and regular for at least one hour. Finally, even though I wasn´t necessarily looking forward to the whole process, I also purposed myself to embrace it and work with it as much as I could.

Those are some of my thoughts and were the thoughts that took me into labor. The birth story itself, for those interested, will come in a future post.

Blurry

These first few days at home with our baby boy have been blurry. Not because of sleepless nights due to night feedings but because the cold I caught a little over a week before going into labor was already becoming something else when I did go into labor. Upon getting back home from the hospital, the headache got worse and the pressure and congestion kept increasing in my head. At any rate, this morning I couldn't even move without feeling as though my eyes were going to pop out! So I had to go to the doctor's today and had to go on antibiotics to treat a sinusitis and rhinintis. I can tell you though:

:: We are so blessed with our little man. He is so perfect and awesome. I just met him and now my time is consumed with discovering him... discovering who he is, how he is... it is so fascinating to have a new little person to love.

:: We are also extremely blessed and grateful for how the girls have reacted to him.

:: Elena is such a big sister and wants to hold him constantly. She is so proud of him and when asked his name she proudly exclaims: "BEN!". When we brought him from the hospital she said: "Mami, is he going to stay with us for a while?" and when I said "Sweetie, he is staying with us forever" her face lit up with the widest smile I have ever seen.

:: Adriana has reacted beautifully to having a little brother. She constantly touches his face, ever so tenderly, and kisses him. Today when we were getting back from my doctor's appt. she asked immediately where the baby was. Upon realizing he was on the car seat, she began taking the blankets off him and she must have heard something because she immediately exclaimed: "Mami, the baby went kinkies (stinkies) you have to change his diaper!" then she ran off. I had just sat at the table when she began bringing me, one by one, every single thing she thought I needed to do the task!

And so, we are loving and enjoying this season even with all the challenges we've encountered around it. Lord knows I'll treasure these days with all my heart!

The Little Man

Benjamin Paul Levendusky Jr.

More pics and details coming up, as soon as we get a little bit more settled!

40 weeks

I've reached the "magic due date". Allegedly I am turning 40 weeks pregnant today and there are very slim signs of a baby making the awaited appearance. I am ok, though. Yes, a little uncomfortable, yes a little bored since there is really so little to do when you're on a tight budget and it is so cold out and you have a cold yourself but I'm ok.

These are challenging times, indeed, in many more ways than one... from swinging moods to keep in check to realizing that life doesn't go on hold to wait for me to have a baby but that I still need to continue to keep this home in the midst of the waiting it has proven to be quite challenging. Granted, a lot of the physical tasks of the home keeping have gone to my mom, who gladly does it even better than me. But none of that takes away the fact that this is my kingdom and I am the one who needs to keep it. So I am busy making provisions for little girls to be entertained when I'd rather be sleeping, making meal plans that would stretch our provision even further than it is already, and then deciding what can occupy myself with that is not going to tire me out and still rest enough to allow for my body to fully recover from this cold and prepare for labor.

In becoming a mom, I am not spared the privileges and responsibilities of being a wife, a mom to two other little girls, a hostess, a child of God and in the whirlwind of emotions that hormones can foster I have the resources to find it to be well with my soul... all I need is to tap into them. Stay tuned for news!

39 weeks

This (above) is 39 weeks pregnant with this baby. Below is 39 weeks with Adriana... what do you think, bigger? lower? I'm an awful judge myself, b/c every time I feel bigger than the last.

I'm being watched...

I wish I could say I'm being watched "as a flower about to bloom" yet I find it more to be "as a bomb about to explode." It feels as though what I wished to be a peaceful or inspiring process is intense and sensitive instead. I'm on the 39th week and finding that even when I think I am somewhat able to keep a quiet and pleasant attitude that seems to be the farthest thing from reality. I come across as short tempered, and snappy regardless of what I consider my greatest efforts. Just another reminder of how I can't do life without Him.

Circumstances aren't really what we were hoping or even expecting for this season and I have found myself complaining more than I'd like to be. In the middle of this most joyous time of life temptation to focus on everything else but the joy is so great I need to constantly remind myself where my source is and where my confidence should be.

At the same time I find that as much as I anticipate meeting this new little person, holding them in my arms and revel in the newness of life I also want to enjoy this waiting season because time goes so fast, children grow too quickly and these seasons are over far too soon to my liking. So here I am, trying to sort through emotions, situations and circumstances to find my portion, my peace and my joy... it is being definitely more challenging than I wanted or expected!

While we wait...

A lot of this is going on around here (not exactly proud of how much TV we're watching but I can't deny I really enjoy both girls wanting to constantly snuggle with their currently-feeling-like-a-beached-whale-mother!) :

...and a little bit of this (I don't think I need to reveal the author of the artwork...) :

38 weeks

I can't believe how close we are to getting to know this new little person... in some ways I can't wait: I can't wait to find out if we're having a boy or a girl, I can't wait to hold them and snuggle with them, I can't wait to see the girls excited about the new sibling. At the same time, I don't want to see this time go, I am trying (really trying) to savor moments with the girls as I know for a while I'll have to be a bit more consumed with the little person.

I say trying because I'm running so low in energy. I simply can't believe how slow every movement feels and how exhausted I get after one simple task. Staying active has proved to be quite the effort lately. So very, very slowly I'm moving towards the end of this pregnancy, fighting the crankiness that comes with it and trying to stay busy, at least keep my mind busy.

What's in a name... This time around we decided to keep to ourselves the name options we were to consider and was it a wise decision. We have gone back and forth SO much this time that it is unbelievable. Boy or Girl? What do you think?

So far...

:: My Mom is here, half full of energy to work, half already exhausted by little girls who want to spend every single moment of every 24 hours with her.

:: Mom L is back and though she has to begin work tomorrow it is relieving to know her home (sorry Andrea, I know you must be missing her awfully!!!)

:: Laundry is about one load to be caught up and that includes one load of every neutral baby onesie, outfit, blanket, plus the car seat cover and moses basket sheets. Tomorrow, the little makeshift dresser will be stocked up with said baby clothes and the basket will be placed next to our bed so the girls begin to get used to having it there.

:: An exhaustive grocery shopping trip took place today so as to try and cover major needs for the event of an early arrival... I am not expecting it to happen, but it doesn't hurt to be ready.

:: Little diapers (disposables, no budget at this time to begin the cloth experiment) are now awaiting a sweet little person to start filling them up, all thanks to Aunt Bean!!!

:: Lists are being made to make sure nothing is forgotten these next few upcoming events.

:: I am 37 weeks pregnant!

Here we are

I can´t tell you how many times I have attempted to write here only to hit a block. I don´t know what to say... partly because I am so absent minded, partly because I´m so emotionally loaded I don´t even seem to know where my triggers are.

What I can say is that at least my down times are spent sitting on the couch with little girls climbing all over me which, except for the times when they climb on my belly, I thoroughly enjoy.

Other than that, a few shopping trips here and there to begin preparing what I need to pack for the hospital, going through newborn clothes and washing them, setting up the moses basket next to my bed so the girls can familiarize with it and not climb on it once there is a new little person in it, and wait.

I am setting my mind to go past my due date like the last time, however, everyone seems to have a hard time believing that my due date is not until Nov. 22. So I am slowly getting ready just in case these contraction spells that have already begun are a little bit more than just warming up.

With that, I will go... before my mind wanderings take me down too much senseless thoughtless ramblings...

36 Weeks

I am on the 36th week of this pregnancy. I am carrying this baby so low that hardly anyone believes me when I tell them I still have 4 weeks to go (at least until my estimated due date). But here we are, believing that at least I will stay pregnant until Saturday that my mom comes home (coincidentally, Mom L. will be back that weekend too). Based on my previous pregnancies, I am not expecting to go before my due date, but it wouldn't hurt to be prepared just in case this would be an early arrival.

So in getting ready I have tons of things in my mind. Lists of things I'd like to accomplish before the baby comes, how I want to approach Holiday shopping when I have no budget for it right now (our budget was cleaned out by an unexpected car repair), how I want to foresee entertainment for the girls while we're in the hospital (they will at least visit one day and it will probably be for a few hours, so the better prepared we are the better), etc. All of this while being as absent minded as ever! I keep forgetting what I went into rooms for, leaving food that I intended to reheat (and eat) in the microwave until the next day, and as soon as I am full of energy and feel as though I will conquer the world, I realize how unrealistic that attempt was or a nerve on my leg will get pinched and I won't be able to move for the next while.

Then there is the overall preparation to receive this next little person and make the necessary adjustments as our family grows and hosts another little family at the same time.

I've heard people say that the hardest transition is from one to two babies, others claim that it is from two to three because at this point there are more children than adults in the clan. Going from one to two proved to be quite challenging for us, so I wonder... how do we handle this one? Any advice, seasoned Moms out there?

My Girls

::Adriana gave us quite the scare this week when she fell off the bed. At first she cried right away, but then she just stayed there, on the floor, white as a ghost, little eyes closed. I woke her up and she was so limb and weak and all she wanted to do was sleep, so we kept her up all the way to the ER. You will never know how long that ride felt! Thank God, by the time the doctor made his way to check on her she was happily blowing bubbles, had recovered her color and was willing to move around like her normal little self.

But that's our Adriana, fearless... she climbs on anything and everything she can. Her favorite places in the world are Daddy's shoulders and Mami's side. She loves sleeping and cuddling with us and she'd do it all the time if we'd only let her! She's my little "melancholic"... loves to sing, loves to dance, has the hardest time coping with changes or things not going her way, so she seems to be sad most of the time. When she is in a good mood, though, she is the sweetest, most loving, and affectionate little person in the world. She bestows the tightest squeezes and juiciest kisses there can be. And she is going to be a big sister soon...

:: Elena, makes us laugh and life with her is very fun. Just on Sunday she excitedly came to us saying: "Daddy, Mami, listen... I am E - le - na... see!!! I am not 'nena' anymore! I can say E-le-na!!" She was so thrilled at her accomplishment. She is very thorough in the things she enjoys like puzzles, drawing letters, and coloring. All of a sudden she is so grown and is such a great little helper. I realize I have to remind myself to catch up with her maturity in some areas and her increasing ability to be helpful as well. She is also far more aware of so many things that we can imagine. A couple days ago she said to me: "Mami, when you push the baby out, maybe you will cry a little and I will say 'oh, it's ok, Mami' and rub your back, then we will hold your baby and she will cry and I will say 'oh, it's ok, sweetie, your Mama is here'" Now, we have been saying things here and there in an attempt to prepare them both for the new arrival, but never did I expect for her to nail it so right on and involve herself in the actual process of the baby's birth!

She is my night owl, understands far more Spanish than she leads to believe and has her daddy's sweet tooth!

I am so blessed by my two girls, even when their ages and stages pose the challenges they do. They are the sweetest, most loving, most beautiful little girls and can't wait to meet this third little person. I do get scared, at times, when I realize the work, sacrifices and challenges ahead, but when I weigh them in light of the joy they bring I know it will all be alright!