A journey

Like most anyone who begins this journey, I began full of enthusiasm. There was this whole new dimension of life that awaited me and I was more than eager to embrace it with everything in me. The waiting could not have taken any longer and the arrival of my sweet firstborn was nothing like I anticipated. However, contrary to my belief after who-knows-how-many-hours of labor, instead of dying upon her birth I was overtaken by a new energy. Suddenly I was filled with a new passion that I had no idea where it came from. Through tear blurred eyes we made vows and promises. For hours and hours I did not want to be bothered by the mundane of life, I just wanted to relish in this newness of life. I was a mother. She was my daughter.

This honey moon began and I loved every minute of it. Tired, frazzled and inundated with unspeakable (and some really ridiculous) fears, I knew I had been born for this. A whole lifetime of waiting and it was finally here. I could do this forever. Night time became "our time", sweet praises would fill the air as my babe nursed. Scripture would be read out loud so as to minister to the soul, both young and old, other nights prayer would fill the room. It was idyllic. We break ground together, she leads me through a path of discovery as I follow her need for guidance and we both learn to live. As I follow I lead, and as I lead I learn, and as I learn I teach her.

Then came the news of another gift and it was joyfully and longingly awaited. My second born came on a rain-stormed day as strong and determined as the weather we drove through to get to the hospital. This tiny little person exuded intensity through every little pore of her wrinkly skin. Nights were the complete opposite of the romantic and fluid sessions that carried me through the first time around. In every breath she gained new strength to make her will known and she still does. Breaking every mold, challenging every expectation, my tiny bundle of energy pushes this mom´s every single button, every single day.

Heartbreak followed with the loss of a soul we never met. He brought me joy and faith. We learned to mourn. I learned to surrender my heart and trust. He taught me to hope.

A new joy rose when my third born came. Another different wait, another different season. He brought a new beautiful balance between the idyllic romance and the awakening challenge. This little man is full of joy and there is peace in mothering him. There are no sweet all-nighters filled with worship and prayer. There are no frazzled sleepless nights. There is snuggling and cuddling and slobbery kisses that I wish would never end. His happy smile can pull me out of the funks of life and push me into a state of lightheartedness.

I do not know what new things will face me as I continue the journey. I do not know if they are so different from each other or I simply have changed with each one of them. However, as I look back, and as I look ahead I know... I was born for this, I could do this forever.