The last days of Summer

The "last days of Summer" are upon us and instead of all the Summery hustle and bustle slowing down, it seems as though everyone went into a frenzy of let´s-cram-everything-we-can-still-do-these-last-few-days.  And so I find myself double-and-triple-booking our already scarce time (and monies!), while at the same time trying to figure out how to stretch the budget in preparation for the beginning of the school year and all that it entails.  But it is still good to look for the reasons of thanks giving and here go a couple things for this week:

#56 A husband who is proposing changes on our diet.

#57  The creativity to incorporate those changes into our budget.

#58  Also, a husband who graciously is welcoming my proposed adventure at cloth diapering...  although the transition is being a little rocky.

#59  Little children who are growing in sweetness and age-appropriate wisdom.

#60  A first paycheck!

I shall leave you there today but I will follow up with a picture post soon. 

Giving thanks

#46  Grateful for vision and a school year that is beginning to shape up in a calendar.

#47  Family, they make the best company and friends!

#48  Friends so close that become family.

#49  Hungry appetites for learning in little girls.

#50  Lessons in leadership and having the age (maturity) to appreciate and assimilate them better than ever.

#51  Being in love.

#52  Written words... inspiration from multiple sources that I can draw from and bring into my own world.

#53  The fact that every day is new in mercies and grace.

#54  A loving Heavenly Father who loves me perfectly and is gently loving me into perfection.

#55  Family traveling far distances and the days we get to spend with them.

A new month

We have opened the door to a new month, turned a new page for new stories, new memories:  life.

Thankful for:

#38 new opportunities to learn and serve

#39 the chance to work together with someone who not only is a great friend but whom I respect and admire greatly

#40  technology that allows for constant connection and communication with loved ones away

#41  technology that allows for a peek on the new life forming within me

#42  a husband who encourages me, supports my passions and is willing to rearrange whatever needs rearranging in this little life of ours so I can pursue them

#43  three little children that wake me up at night but that fill my days with joy, craziness, and laughter.

#44  senses that let us enjoy what this world has to offer

#45  food:  this pregnant woman has a very deep appreciation for food lately!

And so a new month begins.  Like the last, not everything on the list will be checked off, not all the plans fulfilled, not all the goals accomplished but we will strive to enjoy what we can do and do it with all our heart!

Four years ago

Four years ago we brought this tiny baby home.  Four years ago this little peanut changed my life.  My Adriana.  She has been such an adventure to parent, teaching us so much about ourselves and about determination.

She loves her big sister and little brother and though she is getting bigger every day, she loves to be babied!  She is our earliest riser, ready to take on each day regardless of what day it is or what it will bring.  In fact, she has to ask every day what day it is and what is planned for the day.  The day of her party she asked repeatedly:  "Mom, are you sure today is my party?"

She is always thinking of her sister, never does she get anything without thinking and asking for "one for Elena".  She is the sweetest most hug & contact loving person I know.  She not only craves attention but she craves snuggles, and hugs to the point of waking me up at 4 a.m. to tell me her bed is wet and that she needs to snuggle with me (the bed wasn´t wet but I discovered that after the fact).

She is today a little woman in the making.  She has a strength of character that I know will take her very far in life.  Her sensitivity and her sweetness soften the determination of her black and white world.  She knows what she wants, when she wants and how she wants it... for the most part.  She is still a little girl that needs molding, guiding, and shaping and I pray every single day for the insight to do a good job in helping her become who God wants her to be.

We are so very grateful for this little spark of joy in our family!  Happy birthday sweetest girl!

Tuesdays can be days of thanks too

I think I might just change this to Tuesdays because our Monday routine is making it too hard to sit and post, so I think my list of thanks will have to be published on Tuesdays...


And this week I am giving thanks for:

#26  The unconscious laughter of a sleeping toddler.

#27  Swimming pools!

#28  The simplest games that make a day amazing for little people and the inspiration to come up with them.

#29  Cheap Target "crocs" that put a smile on little girls´ faces.

#30  The excitement and anticipation of an upcoming birthday party for a soon to be 4 year-old and the provision to make it happen even in tight times.

#31  Friends who understand, and encourage just by "being".

#32  The biggest brown eyes on the little tiny face of a 3 y-o-l.

#33  The ever increasing questions of a 5 y-o-l so eager to understand the world that surrounds her.

#34  A constantly growing little person inside of me whose movement I feel more and more every day!

#36  Sleeping in... not that it has happened but I will be extremely grateful when it does!

#37  Pictures and video, although I am not as diligent as I wish, it is such a blessing to have records of our life.

June and a Thankful Heart

Let´s see how we can fit a month´s worth of posts in one day...

#21.  We took an airplane ride!  This queasy pregnant tummy was a bit nervous about it, so I packed a couple paper bags in my purse and off we went.  We had a wonderful time, made it safely to our destination and were left with a wonderful experience and a thankful heart for the opportunity to see things from a different perspective.

#22:  One of our tenants gave us his 30 day notice.  He had left by the end of the month, leaving us with an empty apartment.  We are not sure what we want to do with it yet.  My first thought (or should I say thoughts)?  "Oh, the possibilities of hosting again!  Maybe I can invite my uncles that are in the country.  We could host my whole family and my best friend in December.  We could connect both apartments and give us more wiggle-ahem-bed-room upstairs..."  But that thought was quickly intercepted by the reality that with the empty space comes a new limitation to an already tight budget.  We are prayerfully considering our possibilities...  and yes, I am thankful for the opportunities ahead of us.

#23:  We have inherited pieces of history of Grandma´s life.  With her moving to the Assisted Living Home and needing to empty her apartment, we found ourselves looking through years and years of accumulated evidence of life.  Some furnishings are now sitting in the empty apartment I mentioned earlier, just in case we do need to furnish it for our future guests.  Some others are sitting awkwardly in our downstairs living space, waiting for a final welcoming spot in our home.  So many years of life gone through in about a month... so very thankful for the opportunity to inherit some of these treasures and for a glimpse of lives past that have allowed us to be where we are today.

#24:  Parenthood brings its challenges, don´t we all know it.  Some of those challenges require a bit more energy to overcome.  Some challenges are resolved with a simple change of pace, a change of habits or a renewed vision of an old solution.  Some other challenges bring with them the opportunity to closely examine our motives, our beliefs, our priority systems and may actually require a complete makeover in our everyday life.  Above all things I am grateful for the sensitivity to recognize those challenges, and the patience to endure until we find a solution.

#25:  And speaking about parenthood I must admit I am thankful for a new stage in the life of a 5 year-old who is asking all kinds of questions about God, life, death, and heaven that have kept these two parents on their toes but at the same time have given us the opportunity to appreciate and ponder on those things afresh!

#26:  Knowing that although things are tight financially, we can still go to the grocery store and buy most of the items in our list and some extra ones to boot!

So I guess if I had to summarize the month of June I´d have to say it has been a month of opportunity.  I pray we made the best of each opportunity that came our way!

Late

I know this is rather late.  Our week was crazily busy and even when VBS was officially over by 2.00 p.m. yesterday, I still came home to cook and clean for company.  That doesn´t mean that my heart hasn´t found reasons to be thankful and here are some:

11.  Three super excited children who could not wait to leave for VBS every morning.  Here they sit by the door ready for this mama to take them.

12.  A little ray of sunshine that still thinks I am the most wonderful person on the face of the earth.

13.  The man who gets inspiration every year to pull off the craziest themes, skits, props, etc. for VBS.  He has been doing this for what?  13 years?

14.  The swishing sound of a tiny heartbeat.  There IS a little person hidden close to my heart, growing in secret, mysteriously developing inside of MY womb!  Is there anything more amazing and miraculous than that?

15.  A heavenly Father who continually shows Himself to me through the simplest of things.

16.  Nuggets of insight and revelation of wisdom to lead these little people into their godly destiny at the most unexpected times and places.

17.  The World Cup!  The one sport that I can actually sit and enjoy with my husband because I understand it the most.  Every four years he literally is the happiest man on earth because there is a sporting event I am as much into as he is!

18.  Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine from Bath & Body Works that hubby put in my stocking for Christmas.

19.  Cans of Ducal refried black beans.  Guatemalan black beans are the best!

20.  A day with nothing planned so we can just be and rest.  Waffles for breakfast, one (or two) soccer games watched with my love, little people being as cute as all get out playing the wii and taking it slow to enjoy the rest of the day!

Beginning afresh

...because it is good for me, because it just is good...  I am thankful for:

1.  A loving heavenly Father who leads me, cares for me and on top of it all, romances me.

2.  A man of integrity that holds my hand, walks the present and looks into the future with me and as we take this journey, we look back and treasure the memories we have made together.

3.  Three little people + 1, miracles of life and love.

4.  A thousand questions asked by inquiring little minds.

5.  Lacking nothing of importance.

6.  Nail polish

7.  Three children who LOVE to snuggle.

8.  Toddler toes.

9.  Extended family.

10.  Reunions.

Life

Here I sit again, fighting the congestion left behind by a cold as best I can to avoid a sinus infection.  How has that become such a regular thing in my life, I don´t know.  All I know is that doing Nasal Rinses with the Netipot is definitely NOT the most pleasant thing to do while pregnant!

Our house is in upheaval, yet again... come to think of it...  I don´t think we have ever had an altogether house.  There is always a disarray of some sort as we move an old dresser out (or in), or change rooms around, or try a new way to "organize" all our STUFF, or try to fit in a new find that we really didn´t need but I really, really, REALLY liked, or... you get the picture.  There are still lists of projects that need tackling but since a box of books just arrived in preparation for school, today our closet-office-desk area will take priority over everything else.

Hubby has been busy measuring away and design has been discussed over and over as I tell him what I want and he tries to make it happen.  In the mean time, we have welcomed into our possession a beautiful drum table, an old 30s style lamp and a whole lot of other knick-knacks that we have inherited from Ben´s grandma´s apartment while trying to re-arrange the stuff that needs to be moved around so Ben can work on said project.  Walking through our living area is technically impossible right now and it only promises to get worse before it gets better.

But that brings me to another thought.  What we accumulate through life.  For a little over a week I have "helped" Mom L. go through Gradma´s things.  She has moved to an assisted living facility and suddenly the years of history accumulated in that little one-bedroom apartment need to be taken apart.  We have found notes written years and years and years ago... notes from Ben when he was still at school telling her he wouldn´t be in that day, reminding her to leave her door unlocked on a certain day at a certain time, notes from little ones attempting to write (who are now adults and have their own little ones attempting to write!), tourist brochures from lands visited, all sorts of things that have no real practical use except that of telling her story.  Little crumbs of life that she saved to remind herself, or maybe someone else, of where she´s been, of whom she´s been...  and as we distribute things around and make the "toss pile", the "give away" pile, the "ask-so-and-so pile", I look around my own house and wonder who will be sorting through my life when it is time to move on?  What legacy will I be leaving behind?  What message will be read in the footprints I leave... suddenly I have an urge to pick up and clean up all my clutter!

Pardon the ramble, it´s about the best I can do right now with little sleep and not feeling my best!

Here we are

A bit slow but living life and enjoying it.  In fact, I have been enjoying it so much (well, that is the moments that I have energy and don't feel sick) that it has been quite difficult to find time and sit in front of this screen to update you all!

::  In just a matter of weeks, Little Ben has grown so much!  He stopped being the baby and is a little boy.  He was successfully weaned and much more smoothly than Adriana ever was.  He still wasn't as easy as Elena, but he has done much, much better.  He sleeps on his little toddler bed now as well and he continues to be the cutest and sweetest little man I have ever known!  He is trying to talk more and more, and though most of the time we can't really make out what he is saying, some other times he just blows us away with the phrases he's coming up with.  It's not uncommon to have him run after a lost ball or toy saying what is intended to be "I'll get it!", or get me his sippy cup saying something like "Here you go!".  He sings all the time and dances too and when you ask him to close his eyes to go to sleep he squints, scrunches his nose and shows all his teeth!  It is so adorable!

::  Adriana is, very reluctantly, showing more signs of being a little girl.  She has finally agreed to trying to make her bed, albeit all crooked, but it is finally her own effort.  As well as buckling herself in the car.  These are things she has not wanted to do on her own even though we know she is capable of doing them.  She loves to sing off the top of her lungs and most definitely continues being the most intense jewel in our bunch!  She challenges us everyday to continue learning how to parent her patiently and gently.  And since her intensity and passion extend to every little aspect of her personality, she is also the most aggressive hugger and snuggler known to humanity!  She doesn't love, she adores with all her heart, and I can always count on her climbing up on my bed every morning and squeeze the sleep out of me with one of her snuggles.

::  Elena is such a sweet big girl.  She loves being a big sister, especially to Little Ben.  Adriana is more her friend while she really looks after Benny a lot.  Of course, she is beyond herself in excitement about this new baby whom she has decided to call "special baby" because we don't know if it's a boy or a girl.  She spontaneously talks to my belly and is constantly delivering her "special gifts" to them (a hug or a kiss, or sometimes both).  She is getting excited about beginning school this fall and she also has been asking that we plant some carrots and stuff out in the garden.  Well, she also asked last night that I take her to get an x-ray... "you know, Mom, when they take a picture of inside your belly?  I really, really want to, please??"  You never know what she'll come up with next!  And she also engages in some serious conversations about life, death, and heaven that tend to catch us off guard at times!

::  The tiniest and quietest member of this clan is still no bigger than my fist, but is already loved and anxiously expected.  We all seem to be counting the days till we can get to see their face and snuggle them, but I also know that it goes by way too quickly to want to rush it.  I love having this little person so close to my heart, the closest they'll ever be, rocked by my comings and goings, soothed by my heartbeat, growing in the mysterious stillness inside my womb.  Right now, they are a secret... a secret that is only shared by God with me right now, and though it drains my energy, makes me take more naps than I really want to, and keeps big plans in my life from really happening because days feel like blah and go by like a blurr (you know, little things like the garden Elena wants) I am trying to cherish every moment of it because it never ceases to amaze me.

And so, life continues in this little home, pondering the changes to come, some with excitement, some with a bit of reticence but all in the knowledge that we are loved by an Ever Loving Eternal Father, and that knowledge alone brings enough peace to carry on even in the scariest of times!

Back

Before we knew it, the time came to repack our bags and leave.  Sitting on a plane with a sleeping boy in my arms I processed... well until I succumbed to the sleeping-with-your-mouth-open-and-head-hanging curse of traveling on a plane.  Have you noticed that?  The next time you part-take on the miracle of flying, take a stroll down the aisle half-way through your flight and you'll see people from all walks of life sleeping in the same embarrassing position.  Although I've sworn not to ever be one of those people, the combination of a lack of sleep the night before, getting up before the sun on that morning, and my current status... you do the math.

At any rate, my long awaited trip is over.  It became a chapter in my book of memories way too quickly.  It was meant to be a trip to reconnect with family and friends mostly, but it also brought closure and unexpected revelation to my heart.  There is so much to process, so much to write, but not all of it can be published so I'll give you a few random glimpses of the trip while the pictures upload:

** Housed in my childhood home my children were spoiled, loved, and blessed beyond words could even begin to describe.  It was delightful to watch.

**  It is very hard to "parachute" in on the lives of people you love and land on the exact same spot you used to have in their life.  This is probably the most difficult thing of these trips, second  only to the saying good bye part.

**  Having said that, it is even harder to bring my precious little family to fill my parent's home with life, noise, cuteness and laughter only to take them away cold turkey knowing the emptiness that will follow upon our departure.  That.is.the.hardest.thing.

**  I love my family and my friends and I already miss them.

**  You don't really face a loss at a distance... there can only be closure when directly faced with the absence of your loved one and the sequels of their parting.

**  I do have the most amazing children.  I totally do.  Let me tell you:  they did awesome on the trip there; they were wonderful meeting new-people-who-are-related-to-them-but-they've-never-seen-before almost every single day;  there was hardly any need for correction and discipline while we were away; they were great about saying good-bye while admitting how much they'd miss everybody; they did awesome on the trip back even though we were all exhausted and there were a few upset tummies.  I could have never asked for more!

**  I am married to an amazing man.  He embraces my culture with all its flaws and loves it nonetheless.  He makes me laugh, he laughs with me, but he also cries, grieves, mourns, and misses with me every step of the way.

**  God loves my loved ones much more than I ever can.  I can't really do much for them and that can be very frustrating.  It is very difficult to just walk away from certain situations unable to say or do anything, but I know God is still God over them.  I trust my beloved and their individual journeys to the loving Hand of my Father and remind myself that His hands are much safer and better for them than anything I could physically do were I able to stay and "help".

**  Argentinian steak is the best.

**  Watching grown up sisters do life and be moms together is such a wonderful thing... I wish I had a sister!  (You can´t really borrow clothes from your brothers, you know)  I´m so happy my girls have each other.

**  The most wonderful gifts usually come from the most unexpected people.

**  No matter how long we stay, it will never be enough for some people and it will never feel like enough to me.

**  Loving a person and loving the relationship you have had with them are two completely different things.

**  I forgot to buy and bring with me salsa chicharronera, nachos ya está and tortrix!!!

That being said, check out the pictures on Facebook, there are two albums.  Talk to you all soon!

Guatemala

I walk in to this familiar house yet I don't know where I'm supposed to go.  It smells like home, it feels like home.  It is my home yet not quite...  Each and every room smells their particular and familiar smells.  We're here embraced by the walls that store the chapters of my life that my little people don't know about, the chapters of life that my husband has heard of but never witnessed himself.

This trip stores so many things for me... hopefully I'll share some with you.

Update

We are leaving for Guatemala tomorrow night.  We will leave at around 11 p.m., drive to JFK in New York City, take a 5.30 a.m. flight into Miami and arrive in Guatemala on Thursday at 10.30 a.m.  We are almost packed and super excited!  And while we get ready for this trip, this is the update on this little family:

Our little boy:

:: is climbing up a storm

:: is more comfortable using sign language than words, he has actually been the only one of our little ones to learn more than "please" and "more"

:: has a very sweet and dramatic personality

::  loves snuggles and kisses

::  absolutely loves being outside

::  loves to play with his sisters and totally pushes Adriana´s buttons!

::  loves, loves, loves music... he will settle down when he´s restless if we sing to him... anything... seriously, anything, as long as it has a melody to it, it soothes his soul.

Our little "fire cracker"

::  is finally enjoying to color and sits still long enough to finish a picture

::  she is also finally patient enough to attempt staying inside the lines and her pictures look less like abstract blotches of color

::  is beginning to show interest in learning letters and writing her name

::  her ability to focus on what she wants doesn´t cease to amaze me... this has been the child that is impossible to distract from what she wants thus ensuing more displays of willful attitude than one would like to face, but at the same time, that hardheaded-ness makes her accomplish so much!  We are learning to manage it together.

::  she loves to dance

::  her favorite game is still pretending she is a baby and her name is Sparkle and she´s going to stay a baby forever!

Our biggest girl

::  This little-big girl is growing by leaps and bounds!

::  She is so ready for school and that is most of what she talks about... well, besides princesses

::  her letters are coming along really well and she is constantly asking how to spell words she wants to write

::  she adores wearing dresses and twirling

::  she also loves to dance

::  she is becoming more and more independent, she wants to choose her own clothes, make her own lunch, stay upstairs by herself and come down when she is ready, etc.

::  balancing her emotions proves to be a challenge but she is learning

::  she is terrified of wasps and bees, blood curdling screams will come if she comes across one of those little fellows!

The Mama and Daddy of this clan are very grateful for the little ones.  We are challenged by them, taught by them and loved by them.  We love them so much!  We have been going through a season of searching, learning, growing and evaluating our vision and purpose as a family and how that translates into the lives of each and everyone of us.  A lot of reading has been taking place here lately and we are excited to see what God leads us to do next.

A sweet, sweet girl

Elena:  "Mama, I don´t know what is the name of my husband!"
Me:  "What do you mean, sweetie?"
Elena:  "I don´t know what is his name!  I don´t know who is my husband!"
Me:  "We won´t know for several years, honey..."  she interrupts  "Mama, Mama!  I know!  I got an idea!  You tell me what name you like and I will call him that!"

 

E:  "Mom, you have to guess the person I tell you, ok?"

Me:  "Ok"

E:  "You have to guess my favorite woman of all the world"

Me:  "Hmmm, let me think... your favorite woman..."

E:  "You want me to give you a "tlue"?"

Me:  "Sure, give me a clue"

E:  "She is beautiful... she has black hair and long... she is good at, she is good at... she is good... and I very love her"

Me:  "Is it me?"

E:  "Yes!!! you wonned, Mama!"

 

 

We love this little girl so!  She is such a blessing, such a joy!

Quiet and Thankful...

I haven't forgotten my blogging, I promise.  Life keeps happening to me and I come up with these thought provoking and inspirational entries that are composed in my mind as I lay awake waiting for restful sleep to set in.  It takes a while to go to sleep, it takes a while for this mind to turn off and drift off into the world of dreams.  And I lay there and think:  "Maybe I should get up and just write this down right now... I won't remember any of this in the morning... but if I get up right now it will take longer to go to sleep...  I should try again the notebook-at-the-night-stand thought...", and somewhere in between I'll finally drift off (only to be woken up 20 to 30 mins later by a baby or a three-year-old, but that's a completely different story!) and the amazing posts get lost in the world of unconsciousness.

To sum up this last week it would suffice to say that lots of attitude adjustments have been required around here (and not necessarily from the little people or the gentle man), some have come more easily than others, and some we're still working on admitting a need for!  As an exercise for my heart I will join the thousands who publish their lists of thanks... 

1.  An email that sits in my inbox and contains a certain confirmation code for 4 tickets to Guatemala.

2.  The (seemingly) ridiculous way in which God's provision came through just at the right time.

3.  Spontaneous "I love yous" that are directed my way from little mouths, sometimes disarming me with the reminder of the goodness of undeserved love.

4.  Chubby hands that reach for me in the middle of the night.

5.  Chunky toes that love to be kissed.

6.  The sweetest snuggly boy that wraps little arms around my neck every.single.time.he.sees.me!

7.  A gentle husband who loves on me all.the.time!

8.  A loving, merciful God that has left provision for my mistakes and shortcomings.

9.  Health!

10.  Opportunities to make amends.

Numbers

:: 18 are the days we have been fighting sickness in this house.

::  12 are the washcloths that, for the first time ever, had to all be washed together...

::  4 are the feverish brows these washcloths soothed

::  8 are the boxes of tissues we have used (though some (aka Ben) say I have used) in these past two weeks.

::  2 are the bathrooms that were in desperate need of cleaning

::  10 (more or less) the loads of laundry that have been needed to catch up with life

::  2 are the thermometers we have been using

::  2 are the bottles of ibuprofen we have opened, one was emptied half way through

::  104 was the highest temperature registered by yours truly

::  99 and 100 seem to be the thermometers´ favorite number to show

::  8 are the days my sweet Adriana has been fighting the fevers, just as I did

::  1 is the man who has lovingly cared for me through this ordeal

::  4 are the sweethearts that my heart holds dearly and

::  Countless are the prayers that have been whispered in the dark

My last farewell

I will share with you a rough English version of the poem I spoke about in my previous post.  Please bear with me, I am only a poet´s grand-daughter and in Spanish, at that.  I just wanted to share the essence of the outlet I feel God gave to my pain in those dark hours.  The words followed by an * are actually the titles of her published books. 

The hands of a child, all covered in ink

Watched as you grow in traces of words

Squeezed out your sap, reach out in drops

of pencil and paper; of rhythm and word.

The Leaves of your Life* you filled out with poems

You printed your story in only one Dawn*

A Path* you created with Jewels of your Soul*

And Your Self* in verses you let us see.  

In order to know you one must read your poems

For your greatest passions are sheltered in them

Your love for life, every one of your memories

And every one beat of your heart

Inquisitive mind, and a restless soul!

for weapons a pen, a cane and a shawl

all your daily rambles you turned in adventures

And with the marimba we always saw you dance.

We bid you farewell into eternal rest

Wearing your white suit and all of our love

Go dance your marimba in heaven itself

By glory transformed, no cane anymore!

Thank you, Mamita Zoila, for your beautiful heritage!

My Grandmother

The time for a final good-bye came and found me in the most bizarre of places-situations... then again, is there ever an opportune time for such a thing?  Alas the time came and I was in a feverish fog unable to think right or do anything right for that matter.

My grandmother, Mamita Zoila, was not your typical grandmother.  She was not one to sit a grandchild on her lap and tell them stories.  There was no old armoire full of trinkets and treasures enveloped in memories and stories.  No, instead, she had a mind thirsty for knowledge and a restless nature.  I believe it was that restless spirit that led to her writing.  She was a poet.  I don´t have many childhood memories with her, she was always on the go, it was nearly impossible for a little child to keep up with her!  But the first time I fingered through her book of children´s poems, she was frozen in time for me.  I could hear her voice telling me about the rooster, and the flea, and the spider, and the hen and so many other animals.  I´d hear her chuckle in the funny parts, I´d read as much or as little as I wanted, she was right there, at the tips of my fingers.

By the time I was 10, I had moved on to her other books.  Half the poems I still didn´t quite understand, but did manage to memorize one of my favorites and say it in class for an assignment.  When I asked her about the poem she told me how she and my grandfather had had a "long distance courtship" of sorts.  They were a few hours apart and a rumor had reached her that he´d been seen with someone else.  At her inquiry, her hopeful heart made her wait for the postman to deliver a letter that would appease her jealousy.  The postman  came and went, no letter for her and she was devastated.  She thought it was all over... later that day, my grandfather, himself was at her door to dissipate her doubts.  The stories those poems told about her and my grandfather, in the mind of a 10-y-o-l were simply idyllic!  The grandfather I never met became this romantic, handsome man who managed to win her heart.

So as the years went by  I found my grandmother in those pages.  Through her poems I felt loved and I got to know her.  Her books are out of print, and I don´t own my own copies.  My Mom´s copies, which I had to leave behind upon coming to live my own adventure, provided for endless hours of "conversations" (of the rhyming type) between us.  I learned about her beliefs, her faith, her passions, even her escapes from reality into an ideal world.  She was quite the philosopher and thinker, and though we never discussed it, I dare say I caught a glimpse of her own theology.  I sat with those books for hours and hours and on the rare occasions that I had her to myself I'd ask questions about the secrets hidden in those lines.  She loved to talk about her poetry!

Since I had found in her poems a vehicle into her world, it was only natural that I'd attempt to write my own.  There, I found yet another connection to her.  I discovered our own language of love.  She'd praise my meager attempts, and with my wrist in one hand and her cane in the other she'd look into my eyes and recite yet another poem of her own.  To those who didn't know her, those who didn't know me, it was a simple exchange of words... to me, it was that grandmotherly touch I so longed for as a child.

As a young adult I learned more about her pains, her anxieties and even her confusion through the same poems that took me through the world of romance.  Then she became vulnerable, even more real and I was sobered into the world of adult life with its troubles and hardship.  There is one prayer she wrote in a poem to the "Lord of the High" , such a beautiful depiction of a heart that longed to walk with Him.  This became a very constant companion these last few weeks as I prayed for her, for her eternal rest, for her final deliverance into the embrace of the Father.  I wish I could share it with you... I probably will, in Spanish, and try to give you the gist of it, I just know it won't do it any justice...  I wish you could have known her the way I did...

Like I said before, the news of her passing found me buried in bed with barely the energy to lift my head and take my medicine every three hours from the loving hands of my man.  He couldn't even stay long enough to hold me, I couldn't even cry as much as I wanted... I was lost in a feverish darkness where my spirit wrestled with all those things that cannot be explained.  My body ached, but above all... my heart ached...  but just as labor pains are for life, I prayed, and I prayed until something was born out of my pain.  A poem.  My good bye... a caress to the soul of that bright spirit that awoke my mind to the blank canvas of a piece of paper and the magic that can be performed with the traces of a few letters.  In my loneliness and my darkness, God gave me a voice to let out my pain, and for that I am infinitely thankful.

Thank you all for your prayers, your support, the cards, the meals, the quick facebook blurbs, the phone calls, the popsicles (not melted at all!), the hands that have reached into my home and touched me by ministering to mine... as soon as I'm not contagious I will hug you really hard and only hope that will tell you loudly how much I love and appreciate you... thanks for walking through this with me, thanks for being a part of my own little world!

Getting better

Here we are.  I am on day six and we're still fighting fevers.  My own, and now Elena and Adriana's.  Ben is still holding out and it is my prayer he remains healthy because he is the only very-tired-but-healthy-individual in this household.  Little Ben is past the fevers and has been left with the runny nose and cough now.  I am feeling a little better but exhausted!

I´ve had little nurses come to share their snugglies with me, bed-side stories about flying cups, flying any-thing-you-can-imagine to put me to sleep; little hands that pull the blanket up to my neck, take my glasses off, rub my head and pray for me.

There has been a LOT of this...  My man is such a good, loving man.  He takes such good care of me and his children.  He gives so much!

and then there´s been lots of playing around in pj´s and any outfit the girls can come up with!

See you soon!

Crushed down but not destroyed...

...very, very crushed, it feels.  This fever is being relentless and I am tired.  Tired and heart broken.  I can´t even hold my husband and cry my heart out because he is taking care of the children.  He has been wonderful, faithfully delivering medicine, food, juice, tissues and as much comfort as can be offered while leaving the little ones downstairs by themselves.   He is the best!  The poor guy took over an already messy house and has been keeping life going for the children while I "rest".  He is tired, I can tell.  He has spent the last couple nights downstairs with the little man. The girls have been so cute in trying to make sure I rest and checking in on me.  They´re the sweetest.  And my little man is now Daddy´s little man.  He has only nursed twice in the past couple days.  Last night I got him changed here in my bed while Ben put the girls down and he got upset when he saw his Dad leave the room.

At any rate, I wanted to write this to thank you all for your support and your love through these crazy days.  I can´t even begin to explain my heart, so I won´t.  Please keep your prayers coming, we need them desperately... I need them desperately.

In less than an hour my grandma´s body will be laid to rest.  I will not stand by my dad´s side while he puts his mom to rest.  I will not be with my brothers and cousins as they share memories and grieve the loss.  Instead, I lay here in my bed.  Maybe I will  understand it on the other side of heaven, so for now, just pray for me, will you?