We made a decision and now we get to walk it through. As I sat at the doctor's office and saw the little sac on the screen, for just a minute everything faded away... I could hear his voice explaining his opinion, but I was focused on the little sac I could see on the screen. I wanted to respond in faith, but didn't know how. Suddenly I realized the girls were off playing somewhere else in the room and Ben had been holding my hand. All I could hear in my heart was "God is bigger than this and there is a sac", that was all that mattered to me. Actually the doctor said "please call me with any questions you may have when you come out of the shock". I know I must have seemed shocked, in a way I was, but I just wanted to be cautious with my responses, after all, this is when the rubber hits the road. This man has heard us talk about God and our faith in Him, we have tried to be a witness of His love and His life and I wanted to keep it that way. I still wanted to honor Him in the midst of this confusion.
Fear is a very real thing. We knew we'd have to keep on making the decision of walking in the truth of our lives and not the reality on a daily basis. I've said to several people that if I have to make this decision every hour of every day until we have a confirmation of growth and healthy development I will still make it. Every hour of every day I will choose to believe for my baby and I've had to. Our doctor is not an alarmist, much less a fatalist. He doesn't deliver bad news unless he really, really deems it necessary, so that thought has popped in my mind more than a few times already, and we are only on the third day of the two weeks.
But God continues to remain faithful and I know that all the prayers of friends and family step in when we can't. In the end I find that in spite of the doubts, the questions, the waiting we have peace more than anything else. Scripture pops into my heart and I cling to that... I cling to my only hope and my only source. Some sleep would be nice (girls are sick again, so sleep has been scarce), but His grace and His mercy is new every morning and though I feel very "blah" His kingdom still is!
Fear is a very real thing. We knew we'd have to keep on making the decision of walking in the truth of our lives and not the reality on a daily basis. I've said to several people that if I have to make this decision every hour of every day until we have a confirmation of growth and healthy development I will still make it. Every hour of every day I will choose to believe for my baby and I've had to. Our doctor is not an alarmist, much less a fatalist. He doesn't deliver bad news unless he really, really deems it necessary, so that thought has popped in my mind more than a few times already, and we are only on the third day of the two weeks.
But God continues to remain faithful and I know that all the prayers of friends and family step in when we can't. In the end I find that in spite of the doubts, the questions, the waiting we have peace more than anything else. Scripture pops into my heart and I cling to that... I cling to my only hope and my only source. Some sleep would be nice (girls are sick again, so sleep has been scarce), but His grace and His mercy is new every morning and though I feel very "blah" His kingdom still is!
3 comments:
I understand completely the minute-by-minute challenge to choose God-thoughts. It is an on-going battle, but there is grace and strength to make the right choice by the Holy Spirit's help. I am praying for you for great peace and joy even in the midst of very real uncertainty.
Still hoping, praying and believing along with you....
Romans 15:13 (New International Version)
13May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
I though this might encourage you today!....love and prayers....corrie
Post a Comment