Massive picture update

Two little girls, playing with umbrellas
Making a birthday cake for Papi

little bakers

focused little girl

A father with his little girls

moving a lilac tree

clearing rocks and sticks.

Adriana playing with tio Jonathan's picture

talking about him

and giving him kisses.

Elena giving her baby "chita" in church

she nursed her baby through the Veggietales movie
And last, but not least... my minuscule 8 week bump!

A closer look, just so you believe me there is a bump there.

A question (If anyone still reads this...he,he)

I'd like to know the opinion of moms of more than 2 children close in age about strollers.

We are in need of getting a new one this year and are still scratching our heads as to what are our best options. Single? Double? Sit'n'stand type? Sit'n'stand with double?

When going from one to two little girls we kept our first stroller and just added an umbrella one to the mix. Given that Adriana despises anything that straps her in, she doesn't ride in it for too long, but at the same time there have been occasions in which both of them want to sit for a little ride. Now, we won't be using the stroller for three children this summer, given that our newest baby is not arriving until the fall, but we certainly don't want to have to buy something else the following year...

any thoughts? What have you done?

Ramblings

These past couple weeks my life is pretty much summarized by "lump in the couch". There...

At times I've felt like the house is about to come apart.

I can't believe how much we need to eat! Meal times find me quicker than I am willing to cook or eat. Can't we just eat like bananas for every meal?

Oh, yeah. And when I do eat, please don't move me or shake me, just let me sit still until digestion has happened.

I feel so lazy, so sick. Feeling bad for little girls who end up watching way too much TV, but, as Ben says, at least we are together.

I'm beginning to forget what real plates and meals look like. Our best china at the time is made of paper.

Of course, I am complaining just because I can. I shouldn't, really. I have a wonderful husband who doesn't mind the mess and happily eats whatever I managed to make or makes do when I don't get around to cooking. And he takes the girls outside on adventures when he's home in the afternoons.

I've done some mindless reading just to keep distracted, that I have enjoyed.

I have great friends and family who have made themselves available to do anything for me. Eager ears and hearts to listen to me, play time for my girls, encouragement through the season... I haven't really lacked anything.

I am grateful, though... feeling the way I feel reminds me that the little life inside is growing healthily. I can take a few more days like these just for that knowledge.

Ninety-six hours

In an amazing chain of events my sweet, sweet little girl hasn't nursed in the last 96 hours!

You have to understand this is incredible, especially because of how much I had been fighting to no avail to start weaning my precious daughter. With a new baby coming I knew the process had to start soon for it seemed a very long term goal to reach and I didn't want her to feel replaced by a new baby. Nights were being ridiculously long with extremely early mornings and very tiresome days. I kept trying everything: I'll take away only one nursing per day and we'll go from there; I'll stop nursing her in the bedroom before nap and bedtime; I'll take away one nursing at night time; and the list goes on and on.

Nothing seemed to work. Whichever nursing we chose to take away would ensue a good hour plus of crying rendering me frustrated and exhausted. I prayed for wisdom and retreated from trying while regrouping and rethinking what to do.

Then my man put his foot down. We were out by ourselves on Friday on our way to a wedding reception and after exchanging some thoughts a new strategy was devised. I was to be out of sight that night and he'd be the sole soother. We'd take it from there, one day/night at a time.

First night: I settled downstairs in the guest room with the monitor on in case Ben needed my assistance and we began the process. Ben took completely over, from putting their pjs on to the whole night routine, I wasn't even upstairs at all. It was a very long night. She woke up so many times and cried for so long it wasn't even funny. At some point I had to come get Elena from the top of the stairs so she could come sleep with me. But by that morning, Adriana had spent a whole night without nursing.

Second night: I still stayed away from the night time routine. Ben was it. During the night, she woke up as many times as the night before but the crying was a lot less. Less intense too. She wasn't as much upset as she was resigned in her cry. Elena didn't even wake up through it. I had to nurse her a bit during church on Sunday but Ben took over again at nap and bedtime.

Third night: She woke up once, came to bed with Ben and slept the rest of the night. I still wasn't around for bedtime routine.

Fourth night: I came upstairs before bedtime but Ben still took care of everything and I was gone before they were in bed. For her it was the same as the third night. No crying. As the day went by she asked only once and she didn't really expect it. She is eating a lot, though.

Fifth night: I came upstairs with them and changed her into her pjs but still left before bedtime. I came back to bed for the night. She slept until 4.45 a.m. when she came to bed with us. When she realized I was there Ben immediately warned us we could only snuggle. She climbed on top of me, nestled her head on my shoulder and snuggled.

Sixth night: I put them down for the night, did the whole routine by myself. She went to sleep without a problem. The only thing we have left to do to go back to normal life is switch back to our sides of the bed. He's been sleeping on my side so as to be the first one to meet her when she comes to our room.

Day time she has turned into a little eating machine. Ice-pops and bananas are among the favorites so far. I have mixed emotions as I am so proud of how quickly and well she came around but I also realize my baby is growing up. It breaks my heart when she asks and I have to say no, and it also breaks my heart to see her accept it so well! I am so very proud of her and I will certainly miss nursing her so terribly! How can that be?

Bill Fagan

Today we lost an amazing man. He had been bravely fighting cancer for the past few years. Today his fight is finally over. We fasted and prayed incessantly for his healing. We constantly confessed and spoke in faith about his getting up and being totally recovered. Why we won't get to see it on this side of heaven, I don't know.

However, I would never think of his passing as his defeat. On the contrary, he fought his battle and won. His victory may not look the way we all envisioned it, but it is a victory nonetheless. Those who visited and prayed for him in the past few months that he was shut in, all came out with reports of amazing faith, amazing strength, amazing determination and a contagious love for God. However many times they visited him, they'd always come out inspired. He shared his faith with each and everyone he could up until the very last moment he could.

No, he didn't lose, and most importantly, we didn't lose him to cancer, or to death. Cancer ultimately won him to us so we could be blessed, enriched and inspired by what would turn out to be his last years of life. Today we mourn the loss of his presence among us. Today we suffer the pain of not seeing him again for an indefinite period of time. In the midst of it, though, we have certain hope... hope of life eternal in the presence of a perfect God, hope of redemption and restoration, and hope of a joyous reunion. We also rest. We rest in knowing that God above all things, even those things we don't understand. God of those things we are not meant to understand just yet.

Littlest One

Please say hi to the newest member of our little family! Tiny, tiny, tiny but with a minute heart beating away!

Art project

This is what our little art project turned into yesterday:
(stay tuned for a video later)

This is what our little art project turned into yesterday:

Babci

We visited grandma for Ben's birthday and finally got pictures with her.
She is such a remarkable lady... would you believe she is 94 and still lives by herself?

She loves little visitors!

and she is always in such good spirits! We don't visit her often, yet she never has a complain.
She is always delighted to see us and when we apologize for not visiting often
she smiles and quickly interjects that life is so busy. Yet she is always so
happy to see us! She is pleased so easily and still we have such a hard time to find the
time to visit... shame on us! I so wish we were better stewards in taking care of her!

On another note:
Elena, obviously loves the camera... here are a few more of her poses

Cutesy

Elena:

* after her bout of sickness was done with:

"Mama, I think I done choking!"

*talking about our plans for Ben´s birthday tomorrow:

"I going to eat papi´s behday tomou"

*after discovering that I put the throw pillows of the sleeper couch on the other couch (she seems to really have an issue with pillows not matching the upholstery, if even for a short time)

"Mama! I say you ready! You don use the peious on that couch, they go here!"

*when asked this morning if she wanted a bagel for breakfast

"hmmm... in a lilo bit.."

Happy Moments

Better

Today has been a much better day. Tummies are still a bit restless but there is no more throwing up and that alone is great reason for me to be happy. We have taken the day easy so it´s been a rather slow day. Yogurt, rice, toast, bananas and ginger ale have been our meals though there aren´t big appetites going around.

Tonight Ben and I are to go out for dinner with a young couple we´ve been doing a pre-marriage course with for the past few weeks. We just finished the course last week and were planning on taking them out to dinner today. We will keep that commitment given that the wedding is next week and there isn´t much time to postpone it. The girls should be in bed by then and hopefully my stomach will fare well with the outing.

...yuck...

The good news:

:: Adriana is doing better.
:: She slept from bedtime 8:00 until about 2:00 a.m. for the first time ever! And she didn't nurse but went right back to sleep.
:: It was already 4 a.m. by the time she nursed

The bad news:

:: At 4:00 that Adriana came to bed, Elena began coughing in her bed and didn't sound too good. Yeah, she was the one throwing up now.
:: Since 4:00 I've been sitting on the couch with a sick 3 year old
:: Since 4:00 up until now (it is 10:00) she has thrown up every 20 to 30 minutes!
:: At this point I don't know if it is morning sickness or I caught the bug too, but the last three or four times that Elena has thrown up I can barely manage to help her through before running to the bathroom myself!
:: Considering Adriana's was a 24 hour bug, considering that the toughest part were the first 12 hours, considering the rate at which Elena is going, it is safe to assume that attempting to make it to my doctor's appointment today is out of the question. So, my appointment has been rescheduled for next week :o(

I feel so poorly right now that the three of us are still on pajamas and the prospects of food in this house look very slim today... this too shall pass... right?

Random

Yesterday I forgot to post the family picture...

...and this would be me after a hair appointment today
I definitely think I don´t do short well but, oh well
it will grow back sooner than I can go get it chopped off again!

Remember my list with a water crayon in the bathroom mirror?
well I guess the apple doesn´t fall far from the tree
although no one saw me do it and I erased it before little girls could get any ideas
Elena still managed to make her own little drawing

and when we thought we were finally all healthy, the stomach bug hit my sweet
little girl. Last night she spent the night throwing up (not exactly this pregnant woman´s
favorite thing to deal with). At some point she was so exhausted she just collapsed
on the towels I had set on the floor to contain the problem... it was just too precious
to pass. She is doing better today and I am hoping for some sleep tonight!

So...

We had a fun and busy weekend. We started it off going to my hubby's very first race. One step into his goal of running a marathon this year. The funny thing of it all is that the marathon he was thinking of running was the NY one in November... well this baby is coming in November, so we may just have to settle for the Scranton Marathon in October. Though we may have a more accurate idea after we see the doctor on Wednesday. At any rate, I won't say about the race because he wanted to post about it himself. I'll let you know when he does.

Easter morning found us with our little celebration before church. A very bland batch of cinnamon rolls (I tried a new bread recipe that didn't quite cut it!) but two little girls quite excited about looking for their baskets.

Since they can't read yet, this is the second year

Ben spends the night before drawing their clues.

All decked out we went off to church. We had to improvise with shirts underneath the girls dresses since it was so cold. But we made do, the pictures are a whole another story. You Moms with little ones out there will understand what I mean. We tried to get a good family picture but even taking pictures of the girls turned into such an impossible task. I've added a few up here just because, after all, even that gets to be fun!

This would be Elena thinking that her finger in her mouth looks good,
and Adriana following suit.

This would be Elena wanting to tell Adriana what to do.

Finally separated

Adriana, finally posing...

and Elena, finally posing too

After church we came home to take naps and at around three we got together for the freezing egg hunt (it was soo cold out).

Here are the little ones all bundled up and ready!

Elena finds her first egg.

Helping them look...

My little and determined one

trying to put her eggs in her basket

My sweet Elena in her search

HALLELUJAH!

Jesus is Alive!!!!

Unsual, timely and always faithful!

Lately I have seen the hand of the Lord move in unusual, timely and faithful ways, not only in my own life, but in others. It is always so refreshing to remember how personal He is. Let me tell you about my own little miracles.

This month is Ben´s birthday and upon returning from Guatemala it was quite discouraging to realize there was no money in the budget for a gift. Now, of course, anyone would have thought along these lines: "Lord, how could I even begin to doubt you. We didn´t have money to go to Guatemala to begin with and not only did you provide the tickets but money came our way throughout the trip to provide for the expenses while we were there. We even brought money home instead of having to spend from our already tight budget. So I trust and I know that you will provide to bless my husband on his special day!" Well, not me. I pouted, fought, cried and wallowed about the whole thing. A few days ago I was taking the girls to play with the cousins and stopped at the post office on the way. I saw an envelope from a dear friend and got excited to hear from her. It looked like a card. I love getting mail, so very excitedly I tucked it in my pocket, got the girls back in their car seats and drove off to Dee´s. Keeping the card in my pocket kind of made it last longer and build up the anticipation as to what my friend had to say. Upon pulling into her driveway I parked and took the card out. In a couple of seconds I was crying my heart out as I read her words AND the check enclosed. That´s right. She was telling me how blessed she has been lately and how she wanted to share that blessing with me... me... of all people! The check was written for more than enough money for a birthday gift, party and all the works!

The second one. Monday night I couldn´t sleep. I tossed and turned and my mind was racing with thoughts and thoughts and thoughts about everything and the next thing. Little projects around the house kept popping up in my head and I finally decided to get up and write them down. As it would happen, in the darkness I could not find one single pen or pencil to jot my thoughts down. I was getting increasingly frustrated because I didn´t want to wake anyone up. Why couldn´t I just find a pen and get things into paper, off my brain and get some sleep? Well, I didn´t find a pen but in my desperation I did find a crayon... a water crayon, that is. Resourceful as I am, I made do. Got the water running in the bathroom sink, got the crayon wet and wrote my little list on the bathroom mirror!!! The next morning my husband thought I went psychotic, but that´s beside the point. At any rate, one of the things I wrote (and twice) was to get some nice posters for the girls. Nothing complicated, just something that can be put at their sight level and that would dress the bare walls I´m getting tired to look at.

So Tuesday morning I took the girls to Wal*mart. When we were done shopping I put the groceries in the cart, packed together with little girls and was trying to get my wallet in order as I pushed the cart trying to get out of the store. An elderly gentleman stopped me before reaching the exit and said: "I have these for you" as he handed me a bunch of paper. Still trying to pull everything together I looked back at him and he said: "It´s just pictures, I get them from magazines. Keep the ones you like and get rid of the rest." Still confused I thanked him and went away. After settling in the car I went through the papers he´d given me. Won´t you know that although they aren´t real posters, they have nice enough pictures that I can even rotate for the girls while I can get the real nice stuff that I´d like to put up?

Just in case I was wondering how much attention He was paying...

Happy!

We are happy to share that we are expecting a Thanksgiving baby!!! Our guess is that this new baby will come to meet us around mid November! Stay tuned for updates!

Excited!

We just got these in the mail, thanks to the Christmas gift from them! Although my girls don't sit for more than a paragraph or two, it is still an enjoyable time!

As for everything else, little girls are slowly getting better and we are revving our engines for the weekend services. Catch up with you all soon!

Random and Late Stuff

* After a couple days respite, little girls are fighting fevers again. However, there is no throwing up as I´ve known there´s been in some other places and for that I am infinitely grateful. Besides the fever and a bit of sniffles and some sleeplessness at night, the girls are in good moods and spirits.

* I shared about my work of a couple weeks ago. Here are some late pictures:

This is the new children-friendly coat hanger and
hats, gloves, mittens and scarves boxes...
Even though the little things need to be picked up several times a day
because little girls like to play dress up with it, I like the feel of organization.

Entryway closet, with lots more space to use!
(I couldn't possibly bring myself to posting a "before" picture of this...
way too embarasing!)

and the pantry with the new addition in it...

* Call me sentimental but we went out today to buy a few things we needed. We ate out, got back in the car and just then it hit me that I hadn't brought a change of clothes for Elena. Of course, that wouldn't normally be an issue except for the fact that she was wearing regular underwear instead of pull ups. I know as much as training her to use the bathroom I am being trained in being sensitive about her need. So upon entering the next store I immediately took her to the bathroom. My sweet girl was sooo good! Not only had she stayed dry but did an awesome job in a public bathroom and washing her hands afterwards. As she was pulling the paper towel to dry of her hands it hit me... my heart tightened in a mixture of pride and joy and sadness at the same time. I came out and Ben said: "How did it go?" With a choked voice I said: "Too well! My little girl is growing up!!"

Today *Edit*

It was quite the adventurous weekend. We went from being all by ourselves to having five last minute guests over night on Friday all the way down to Adriana and myself stay home from church on Sunday morning.

About our guests: It was sooo good to be able to serve them if only for a few hours. I'm afraid accommodations weren't that much comfortable, but it was sure good to see them. They arrived past midnight, to the girls didn´t even know they were here until Saturday morning. Upon finding out that we had friends sleeping downstairs she was quite urged to come down and "wake up our friends", as she put it. My guess is that out of the bunch, Jamie caused the greatest impression on Elena. When I tried to sit with her on the couch to do her hair she kept telling me this specific couch was her friend Jamie´s. A couple days later she kept talking about her friend Jamie and all the toys he has in his house. I thought it was cute.

Since then, there hasn't really been much going on. Little girls have taken turns getting sick after Ben began the weekend with fevers and coughing. Hopefully if Elena follows the same pattern Adriana did, by tomorrow she should be done with the fever. We´ve been mostly housebound and for some reason this keeps my energy levels down. In fact, my list of things to do has been put aside... It is always hard for me to get going. Once I get going I follow through, but if you stop me, picking back up again is really tough. Not a great quality, I admit, especially when life is all about getting back on track! Oh well...

**An important event of the day: Elena stayed dry all morning long!!!**

Adventures in Potty Training

As mentioned in the previous post, having a functional bathroom downstairs have certainly brought potty training closer to a reality for our little Elena. Needless to say, it has been an adventure as we try to avoid accidents and encourage the use of the "toilet". Forgive my candor in sharing the details but as usual I am trying to record the memories of our little life.

* She has no problem going "pipi" on the toilet but for some reason "kinkies" (for stinkies) is just not happening. A few months ago, when I realized she was working in filling her diapers and thought of taking a chance I asked: "Sweetie, do you want to go kinkies in the toilet?" To which she replied: "Mami, I am not going kinkies, there's a squirrel in my tummy!"

For clarity sake, my daughter is convinced that her "tummy" is her bottom.

* Her newest one, if I inquire if she wants to go kinkies in the toilet in an attempt to avoid changing soiled underwear she simply says: "I'm not kinkies, Mami, I'm just popping!"

* After a day of attempts I decided to buy flushable wipes. I offered her to go and she declined by saying: "My tummy don't work right now, Mami". But when she realized that I wasn't going to let her use the new wipes she said: "Mama, you help my tummy push kinkies... pweeease!"

* Her most favorite one is "I have to go peep masef!"

* On another note (nothing to do with potty training), she has been processing the whole last name thing. Several times a day she'll be found saying: "I Nena Faip Nenduiky; Adwiana, you Adwiana Hope Nenduiky; Mama you Keya Nenduiky; Papi Pato Ben Nenduiky"

Pheww!

This little woman has been working hard at trying to finally catch up with this house. See, I have felt so far like I failed at making the combination of the two apartments feel like home because when we first moved into the second apartment I had just had a baby. I couldn't really do much and I let the chips fall where they may and figured I'd have time to make a home out of these two apartments soon enough. Well, I was in for a surprise because adjusting to two little ones was harder than I anticipated. Last year, when I felt as though I had a chance at it again, I'd be so exhausted I couldn't understand it and sure enough, I came down with mono. So, between one thing and the next I never have quite finished the house.

Lately, we have been considering downsizing by moving downstairs into one apartment and renting out the upstairs again, just to even us out with our finances. I was all up for it because it would be a very immediate way to get some money. The only thing that kept nagging at my was the thought that I had failed at managing the bigger house. And the more I looked around me the more I got frustrated by bare walls displaying nothing more than a pretty color; poorly used storage because I didn't have time to organize its contents; boxes full of odds and ends that have needed going through forever; missing picture frames with pictures of loved ones whose faces I'd love to look at regularly, etc.

Coming back from Guatemala it was my utmost goal to catch up with the house regardless of what would happen in the next few months. Therefore, this past week has been spent in trying to catch up with the house. I hate to admit that little girls have been watching way more TV than I'd like them to but I am a woman with a mission. So far:

* Entryway closet has been cleaned and rearranged opening up some more room for storage.
* Kitchen table has been fit inside the pantry allowing for some extra shelving in the pantry and freeing up the room in the kitchen.
* Hanging hooks for little coats have been installed at little girls' reach so their winter stuff is a little bit more organized.
* A couple storage boxes have replaced the basket that held all things winter. By having a separate little box for gloves and mittens and another one for hats and scarves, it looks a bit better and things are easier to find.
* Microwave oven has been scrubbed inside and out.
* Kitchen counters and shelves have been cleaned.
* Although not all the pictures have been found, those that were sitting around waiting to hang from a wall have been hung in our stairway. Going upstairs now is a nice reminder of loved ones and looks more welcoming. It looks uneven because of the missing pieces, but we're a step closer.
* Downstairs bathroom has finally been finished so we (as in Ben) installed new towel hooks including one at little girls' reach so they aren't getting our hand towel wet and dirty every time they wash their hands.
* In addition, by having the bathroom finished, potty training for Elena has finally become a work in progress. If she needs to go I don't need to run all the way upstairs with both of them in tow to make it on time, etc... you get the picture.

Yet to do are tons of little things that sometimes feel like they amount to nothing but, amazingly, all those little nothings bring great satisfaction to my heart!

"Elenisms"

*"Mami, I wan appe pie" (apple pie) I am puzzled, we haven´t even seen apple pies since the Holidays... upon further inquiry I realize she meant PINEAPPLE!

*"Mami, You are mawwid... What is Papi?" (There has been a lot of talk about being married lately, I guess she is processing the whole thing)

*"Mami, we have to go see Abby, I have to pay her (play with her). Mami, Abby is my cousin, Bannon is my cousin, Sophie is my cousin, Aunt Dee is my cousin!!!"

Empty wall

Today was "kitchen day" so to speak. I began cleaning the kitchen and the floor alone takes me so long that it always takes a bit longer than I´d hope. Especially if you add the dusting and cleaning accumulated for a few weeks. Well, it is still far from perfect but one thing remains, my empty wall. For the longest time I've wanted to put a nice picture on this wall and can't find one. I saw the perfect one in the market in Guatemala, but couldn't bring myself to even ask the price... I don't know why buying such things myself is always so hard for me. Come to think of it, all the pictures displayed in my home (I totally love each and every one) have been gifts. Why can't I buy something pretty for my home? The picture I saw in Guatemala was actually a painting of a marketplace scene seen from above, it was colorful and perfect in theme for a kitchen... oh well, maybe some day I'll let myself justify such expense.

Being Home...

First of all, for those of you who didn't understand the whole "leaving my residence" thing on my previous post, my apologies. What happened is that I forgot my green card here at home and found out upon trying to leave the US. For some reason, even though I really need it to come back into the States and not to enter my own country, they didn't want to let me board. It was a bit of a hassle to say the least and it wasn't fun to wait for it in the mail but we did get it on time for me to get back in the US without any problem.

As usual we hit the ground running. We had winter camp beginning on Thursday night. Needless to say, we are as tired as we were when we got in, unpacking hasn't really formally happened and this house looks like a bigger mess as we have been touching and going these past couple days. Oh well, I certainly hope to figure out some kind of strategy this week and get some kind of normalcy within a week or so... I am really getting tired of this mess.

Well, I certainly had a lot to say but alas I just sat here and have a little girl crying for my attention. I'll have to go...

Getting home

This is the continuation of my previous entry. Once again, pardon the length, I just needed to help myself process and this proves to be a much faster way.

The wait at the gate is followed by the boarding of the plane. Adriana quickly falls asleep and Elena settles in her seat very excited that we are flying again. I look out the window as we taxi our way to taking off, tears streaming down my face as I look at all the things I didn't get to see because of being sick. I already miss this place. I know it isn't the safest but it is mine. I know the buildings, the streets, the people... There is at least one memory attached in any direction I look!

Elena talks to me and as I turn to look at her, unable to hide my tears, she looks at me puzzled. She is so excited to come home and though I am excited to come home I am also sad. I guess she can't really understand feeling both emotions at the same time, at least not yet. As we take off a tear is shed for every sight as it recalls one of the many memories from this trip or from my life.

Once again, I am quickly called back to composure by the needs of my sweet little girls. That is part of this calling, my needs are pushed to the bottom drawer. I get to process them in times like this, hours and hours later.

The plane in and of itself proves tough. After having been sick and congested, it is getting really uncomfortable for us girls, and even Ben ends up with a headache through the whole thing. After landing, going through immigration is, for the first time, very easy. No quizzical looks by the immigration officer assuming that because I am Hispanic something has to be wrong with my documents. The officer is quite warm and nice and lets us through even with a chuckle as he says good bye to Elena who keeps repeating "Thank you, bye" from her stroller. This is a very welcomed relief, especially because (most of you may not know this) I forgot my residence at home and it was quite a hassle trying to get on the planes down to Guatemala. We got it mailed down but it took longer to arrive than we expected so we were a bit nervous about my return. So having a nice officer who is not trying to make things harder was nice and relieving.

As we got ready to land in La Guardia, I kept looking out the window. Maybe in some desperate attempt to recognize something to make me feel I am coming home. It is hard though. We are arriving at night time and we hardly ever land in the same place. Once again, the Mommy hat needs to be put on and the plan for the remainder of the trip is mapped out. Stop for diaper changes immediately, pull out sweaters from the carry ons, prepare little girls for a long drive, get our baggage, and so the list begins. It is shortly past midnight and we still have a 3 hr plus drive ahead.

It is nice to see Jody at the airport. We go find our bags and, of course, one didn't make it. Off to the airline's baggage office to open a claim. To my surprise it is rather quick, maybe it's because of the time, the attendant must be in a hurry to finish up and go home. Funny as it may be, that one bag makes the difference and its absence provides for just the right amount of space needed for the drive home. We have suitcases up to our elbows but we still have enough room to sit comfortably.

We pull up our driveway. It is about 4 a.m. We open the door and this place feels so strange... It is home but it looks and feels different. We pleasantly find a bathroom with new floor, a new toilet and a new sink in the process of being installed. How nice it looks. Little girls run to turn on each and every toy they rediscover. I feel for our neighbors who have to be woken up inevitably by this noise. A cup of juice, phone messages checked and little by little it is feeling like home again. We then go upstairs, little girls jump to their own little beds but still want to sleep with us and at this point we don't mind. We all get to bed at 4.30, purposely we don't set any alarms on, we'll let our bodies tell us when to wake up.

Ben wakes up first and starts trying to bring some suitcases up and to begin life. At the mention of Abby, Elena jumps off the bed. See, her first thing she has wanted to do for the past 3 to four days is see Abby. Ben takes her over for a visit and very slowly life begins here in this little home. I feel somewhat numb... I don't want to unpack because I know that that means that I have to face my feelings that have been bottling up since this leg of the journey began, sometime yesterday. So the bags sit there, I open them only to get out the absolute necessary things. The day is slow and though I feel so sad and miss Guate so much I am happy to be home. Now to pick up where we left. Discipline needs to be revisited with little girls. Routine needs to be established again. With this post I finish my mourning process and look ahead... there is a winter camp to prepare for, unpacking and settling at home as we also look ahead to a very possible downsizing.

At the same time I will begin my process of "marrying" the old and the new. God led us this way, He provides for the adjustments that need to happen, we only need to settle, listen and let Him be our all. Slowly I let go of my fears of final good byes and give in to the trust in an ever loving Father. True, the day will come when a final good bye will be said, but I need not rush in finding comfort for that as there isn't grace for that today. It is not happening, I don't need the grace for it. If and when it happens He will be readily available to comfort and strengthen as He is now and as He always is.

Emotional times like these are good in reminding me that although I need to blend in, I also need to keep my culture alive and pass it on to my daughters. I get the load as I process but later clarity will come and ideas to incorporate that world into our lives will come too. I must not forget that, after all, we are a bi-cultural home and we need to celebrate and embrace it. I don't necessarily know what it needs to look like, but I trust that it will come to us as we live. Thanks for bearing with me and for all your words of encouragement and comfort. I am happy to come home to loving people who give me room to be the odd ball I am! Thank you and I love you all, you are very dear friends... you make this foreign land home.

The Farewell...

This is a very long post. I apologize but I really wanted to pour my heart out and typing it proves to be quicker than journaling it by hand. Please bear with me and carry us in prayer if you may, these are my pearls.

Tuesday, Feb. 19/08
I wake up shortly before Josue comes in to say good bye. As my mind awakens the thoughts of the day ahead begin a whirlwind in my mind. As I try to order my thoughts, Josue comes in. Teary eyed he bends over my short bed to say good bye. We hug, shortly but tightly, exchange quick "I love yous" and keep the rest bottled in our hearts. Josue, he is his own man now and walks through life trying to figure it out. He is so full of dreams. I pray he realizes the greatness God has deposited in him sooner than later and manages to find strategies to fulfill his God given dreams. We always laugh with (and at) him... I hope he knows how much of a joy he is. In honor of his personality, he wears his emotions on his sleeves, so this will be a hard good bye. We don't want to let it all out... you know, he is heading for work and doesn't need tears to distract him. I don't want to start crying... not yet. Off he goes as if we will just reconnect at the end of the day and we each suffer the pain of the separation quietly in our hearts.

I get up and continue the task of gathering our belongings from every room in the house. The pit in my stomach increasingly grows. Little girls are whisked outside for a few last moments of play with "Pita" and "Pito" and to release me to finish packing properly. As I said before, this just doesn't get easier no matter how many times you do it.

Mamita is the next good bye, she tries to talk her way through the tears. Maybe if she talks enough she can keep the tears from flowing. She hugs us, blesses us, kisses us and then hugs us some more. I try walking her home but she manages to escape, I don't think she wants me to see her cry. She has always been so strong I don't think she knows how to be vulnerable around others. But I know her... I know the sweetness and tenderness in her heart. So I respect her desire for privacy and as I see her go and explain to Elena why she doesn't have a car (Elena is quite puzzled to see her walk away), I watch her and pray. I see her tired body swaying from side to side as she walks. She is slow but steady, up right thanks to the back brace that has helped her through the years. I pray, "Lord, please don't let this be the last good bye..."

The car gets loaded up with suitcases full of old stuff, new stuff, fun stuff, needed stuff, and as I do a "stupid check" (we learned this phrase from our dear family, the other Levenduskys) to try and spot forgotten items I realize my heart is just as full. My heart is full with the memories made as my little ones interacted with the world I left behind. It is not a country, it is not a family, it is a world, it is a life I left and it never ceases to amaze and surprise me how the intertwining of the new and the old lives can be so joyful and painful at the same time.

The next good byes are Jonathan and my dad. Jonathan, we could have never done all we did this trip without all of his work. My little brothers are now men! I can't get over it. He is the "go getter", so full of plans and ideas. I pray for the Lord's blessing and guidance in his endeavors. I can't stop the tears from coming now. We hug, tightly and then we hug again. I try to think of all the things I need to thank them for and may have forgotten to tell him. It's no use, I don't remember everything, tears are betraying us both and in the end, he does know, so we leave it there.

My dad is quick to let go, I think he might be afraid that a too tight hug may squeeze the tears out of him. I don't think he likes good byes or tears for that matter. I pray for God's healing in his life, more than his hearing, his heart. I know God provides for his every need, He is faithful like that, His help is readily available and He will surely make up for what he loses in his silent world. I release my Dad in my Father's care, his health, his heart, his emotions... I can't do anything else for him, but where I can't reach God can meet him so I rest in the reminder of His everlasting promise.

We get in the car and as soon as we leave the street I put my hand in my Mom's arm. She is already crying, so am I. "I can't stop crying. I don't want to but I can't stop", she says. "Maybe we don't need to stop" I reply. I don't know why we fight tears so much, we just do. I try to help us both find solace in knowing that God does have a purpose for this because He is not cruel but He is good. Most of the drive we cry... as we stop at the curb in the airport and bags get unloaded into a cart, the tears become completely inevitable. We hug once and again and can hardly talk through the tears, the "I love yous" and all the "please take care of yourself", "let's pray that God will provide for you to visit soon", etc.

My tears are quickly forced to a halt as we reach the ticket counter and composure is immediately needed in trying to check us all in, fill out immigration forms, go past security check points, etc. At the gate I get a minute to sit down and the immediate needs of little girls take my mind away from it all.

Wrapping Up

And so it is that the time to say goodby is looming ahead... it never fails. Little girls are very ready to go home, as the talk of home, missed cousins and friends and missed toys keeps increasing by the hour. We long for the comforts of our little home and at the same time we don't want to leave. Yes, the warm weather is quite tempting but it is always more than that. There are the uncles who don't want to keep missing out on the little girls' growing up. There are grandparents who don't want to see them go either. There are plenty of extended relatives who have been spending every waking hour around us in the hopes of impressing their memory in my girls' hearts. Then there is the fear of leaving elderly grandmothers knowing this could very well be the last goodby. The sadness of leaving a mom and dad who could very well use our help around here as age bills them for living, as well as that of leaving two dear brothers who are now their own men and I miss out on their lives. There is the childhood best friend with whom we just never have enough time to catch up and just "be". It doesn't matter how much time goes by or how many times we do this... it is never easier. The goodby is always as dreaded as the last one and some are even left unsaid just because they're so unpleasant.

On the other hand, there is the calling and the life we have at home... there is the knowledge of how much joy it bring to our Father that we are obeying the call and seeking His will. He is good, and He knew our life would look this way. In that knowledge I cling to His promise of providing for my every need, I cling to the knowledge of His sovereignty, I cling to His love and His grace. I can't imagine living like this without Him in my life...

A few random pictures

A little girl on a boat ride

The "Island of the Flowers" How pretty!!!

A local fisherman

Another little girl on a boat ride.

The boat went so fast and the wind was so strong Adriana kept looking over my

shoulder while Elena chose to cover herself with a towel... cute little girls!

Our comfy rental

A scarcity of pillows led to creativity...

stuffed animals make good pillows for long car rides!
...and of course, the other one slept too

Another pretty orchid
making yet another long car ride a bit fun

Picking up

This is our little family in Tikal

And this is the majestic temple behind us...

This is a very young "Ceiba", the National tree. It grows wider and full of heavy foliage. Adriana and I are standing at one of the roots, imagine how tall and wide it grows!

And this is the upper part of the tree

Well, if you read my Ben's post you probably got a chance to see much more pictures than I have been able to post. Make sure to check it out.

I am feeling a bit better today... still a bit sick but functional and finally the headache is gone which makes life much easier.

Now about Tikal. Tikal was sure a sight to see... so majestic, imposing... amazing! A silent witness to so many stories. Walking through that vast quiet it is so hard not to try to imagine the events that went through in that city. At some point in history, there was no jungle, it was a civilization busting with life. Wrong in many ways but intelligent and, after all, life. It is best said in the words of the Nobel Prize, Miguel Angel Asturias:

"The imagination reels. There are reliefs, pyramids, temples in the extinguished city. The damp murmur of the arroyos, voices, crepitations of the intertangling vines, the sound of flapping wings, trickle into the immense sea of silence. Everything palpitates, breathes, exhausting itself in green above the vast roof of Peten."
Miguel Ángel Asturias, The Mirror of Lida Sal: Tales

In a place like that lived a man of corn, seasoned with cocoa and chile. Tikal saw a man who conquered the challenges of building their mystical city in stone. A fallen man and a fallen culture... whatever happened to them, God only knows... literally. It is still an amazing sight to be seen in the deep of a beautiful jungle.

I'll post pictures later... this internet is slow and won't let me upload them right now

Slow

***edit*** check out my hubby's post at:

www.bendusky.blogspot.com ***

That's how I feel right now. I am still sick, now on antibiotics because the fever came back and yesterday I spent the day in bed. The whole day is a blurr and after a concerned hubby's call to my doctor in NY we got someone to come check on my lungs. My lungs are fine but my throat was showing signs of infection. Two dosis of antibiotics later, I feel a little weak but better and the fever is gone. That has also kept me from updating here... sorry. Here I am, in paradise and so sick I couldn't even believe it! Oh well, this too shall pass.

Half of us is already back in cold NY. The remaining half has had a slow couple days with me out of the picture and trying to manage the girls in a semi-familiar environment. Now, continuing with our vacation update, a week ago Sunday, we left from church, got changed and took the road for the first of our stops. Coban. We had dinner there. This was our hotel, there we rested and the next day drove for most of the day into the Mayan city of Tikal. Of that, I shall share later, right now I am still in need of some rest.

The Piñata

One day at a time... I have a few pics and videos up, but have to start from the very beginning, so here it goes...

My mom decided to welcome us by having an open-house-turned-into-a-birthday-celebration for the girls. We call it here "A Piñata". We had tons of people in and out of this house all afternoon long. Among the most surprising visits were those of a friend who lives in California and I hadn't seen in probably 6 years and a highschool classmate that I hadn't seen since graduation (I won't tell you how long that is).

Of course, the traditional piñata had to be a part of the celebration even when my girls seemed to be the only children around. This, ladies and gentlemen, was a true Guatemalan piñata. No offence to our wal@mart people but what they sell under the "piñata" label has never really been what's in my mind when I think of one. This should explain why. While most everyone got a shot at it (and maybe some of the younger people in our already beat me to the punch by posting videos of the event).

Elena seemed to know quite well that there were candy inside and that it needed to be hit with a stick to be broken, however with her fever and all she did not want to be on the spotlight and refused to break it. I will share the members of my little family who part took on the breaking of the Barney piñata (oh yeah, the crazy looking woman spinning my husband around would be Karin, my best friend).

Here we are!

Guatemala has proven itself to be the amazing and wonderful destination I've always thought it was. We hit the ground running and it has been great! Except for little girls and now myself, fighting some bug we had already brought with us with fevers, coughing and all that fun stuff, we are having the time of our lives.

Right after church on Sunday morning we took off for our final destination of Tikal, but we stopped for the night in Coban. Monday morning we left for Tikal and stayed in the middle of the jungle. Our hotel actually cuts off electricity and hot water at 9.00 p.m. We slept with the background noises of all kinds of jungle monkeys and birds. Every one else in the group got up at 4 and hiked the ruins to see the sunrise atop of one of the temples. My little girls, my mom and myself stayed behind to join them later. I can not describe to you how majestic and impressive was all of this. I had never been there before and my first sight of "El Gran Jaguar" brought tears to my eyes. I always regretted not having been able to visit Tikal, but now I am grateful that I came at the right time to appreciate it. What an amazing display of archaeology! Beautiful and breathtaking!

Tuesday led us out of the jungle and back down to the city. We spent our night at a beautiful resort and then we hired a boat that took us through the lake and the river all the way out into the open ocean and the city of Livingston.

Last night we came back into the city a very tired group and some of us sick. I will post some real pictures of the group as soon as I get a minute. Right now my dear hubby has the camera on him as he and the rest of the group are doing canopy. Sorry about the quick and brief update but I just wanted to at least drop everyone a few lines and let you know we are having a good time. Thank you all for your prayers!